Since the experts I talked to had no rational explanations, I decided to do my own research by talking to women I met in everyday life.

I quickly learned just how excruciatingly embarrassing it is to approach women on such an intimate topic. Very few women are willing to talk about sex at all and even fewer have anything to say about female orgasm.

The vast majority is silent so it is difficult to know what they think. It would be nice to imagine that at least some are quietly getting on with it; too busy doing to be talking about it. But given how shocked most women are by an explicit reference to sex, I doubt that many explore sex beyond the basics.

When I mention that I am a sex writer (only to those women I hope will not drop dead from shock at the mention of the word!) most women avoid the subject by ignoring me or changing the subject. They don’t even risk a commonplace comment like ‘How interesting!’ or ‘How brave!’.

This lack of confidence or embarrassment (or however you interpret being snubbed) does not convey the impression that women are happily enjoying orgasmic sex. I can only assume that women’s sexual experiences are not as sensational as we’d like to hope.

I have talked to women of varying ages. No doubt, people will tell me that I have encountered an unrepresentative group of women. One woman suggested that I must ‘live in a broom cupboard’ because of the reactions I have reported. They have no idea.

Most women show little interest in orgasm

Anyone who doubts that these attitudes exist should get out of their own broom cupboard. I challenge anyone who thinks that everyone is happy to talk about their sex life to try approaching women they know: relatives, friends, neighbours, etc.

Many people claim to be relaxed about sex but they run a mile if you ask for details. Likewise women may joke together as a group and compare notes over their lovers’ sexual performance but never their own. The women who were brave enough to talk to me admitted that they had never divulged the same details to anyone else not even to their closest friends.

A young woman in her mid-twenties told me that she was too embarrassed to talk to anyone about her inability to orgasm during sex. She had assumed that it was her boyfriend’s fault and that perhaps she didn’t love him enough. Only once I told her some of the facts that might explain her experience was she brave enough to mention the issue to her mother.

Her mother, a medical doctor, replied (with slight bravado given her previous silence): “Of course you don’t orgasm during sex!” Some women accept such conclusions without questioning. Others want to understand why popular beliefs are so misleading. I certainly did. Unfortunately, it isn’t done to question because people feel uncomfortable when they have no answers.

One woman told me that she would never allow her adult children to have sex in her house. I do not understand this attitude towards sex but it was clearly impolite to ask for an explanation. Even discussing the taboo nature of sex is a sensitive subject.

5 Comments »

1. Another interesting report, Jane, and a fascinating subject.

   Comment by Punditty — June 5, 2010 @ 11:19 am

2. really interesting, and as a woman, i appreciate what your doing and your contribution to all the woman.
   Thank you.

   Comment by mona37 — June 5, 2010 @ 3:48 pm

3. Thank you both very much for your support.

   Before I started I would never have believed how difficult it has been to talk openly about a woman’s sexual experiences. The amount of negative comment is truly amazing and most of it comes from other women.

   There is evidently a great deal of sexual ego to defend out there. It is very gratifying when other women do speak up and support my efforts to bring more honesty to the discussion. I am sure that men also appreciate more clarity than is generally available.

   Many thanks to AllVoices (especially Michael) and to the community at AllVoices. The vast majority of sites refuse to allow such an open discussion. The truth will out, as they say, … well eventually!

   Comment by Jane — June 5, 2010 @ 6:37 pm

4. As long as we live in a society that suggests men want sex and women want marriage (or commitment), women will continue use sex instead of enjoying it. It may be subconscious, but it’s there…

   Great article!

   Comment by kristineburke — June 5, 2010 @ 6:57 pm

5. Thanks for your positive comment. I have to say that I am myself a little wary of feminist beliefs especially when it comes to sex.

   Most people, including most men, eventually conclude that sex is a more rewarding experience when shared with someone they love or have feelings for.

   However, some men especially younger men, are able to enjoy sex as a physical pleasure regardless of any emotional relationship. So for example, some men will happily contemplate sex with a stranger just for the sexual pleasure.

   Of course, some women behave in a similar manner and I am certainly not disapproving of casual sex for anyone. A bit of lust and passion never did anyone any harm in my book (consenting adults naturally).

   My point though is that men experience easy arousal and fairly spontaneous orgasm through sex. Women are likely to have much more difficulty enjoying sexual arousal and orgasm with a partner.

   This is no one’s fault, either the woman’s or her lover’s. Sex is not designed to facilitate female orgasm since it is not required for reproduction. Women orgasm most easily through masturbation where they can provide their own clitoral stimulation and focus fully on sexual fantasy.

   Sex with a lover can still be great fun: sensual, physical and intimate. The emotional aspects can be exhilarating for both sexes but unfortunately sex is unlikely to be orgasmic for a woman.

   This has been the greatest disappointment of my life and yet this is being very spoilt. The fact is that many women never discover orgasm by any means either with a partner or alone. I have learned to make the best of the pleasures available. I enjoy orgasm alone and the joys of sensual intimacy with a lover.

   Comment by Jane — June 5, 2010 @ 8:49 pm

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