Ways Women Orgasm

Women’s sexual arousal relies on sexual fantasies

Real female orgasms involve the release of sexual emotions not romantic feelings. So it does not matter how much you love your partner, orgasm will not materialise out of thin air.

Orgasm requires at least a few naughty thoughts from time to time, so if your conscience is as clear as a nun’s then you can forget about ever having one.

“Few of us reach orgasm without fantasy, so let your imagination go wild! … Don’t get hung up about your fantasy; it doesn’t mean you’re odd, gay or secretly want to be raped. Most women fantasise about things they wouldn’t dream of doing in real life – that’s why we call them fantasies.” (p13 Hot Sex 1998)

It turns out that women use sexual fantasies for sexual arousal and to generate a release of sexual emotions (orgasm) not only during masturbation but also during sex with a partner.

“Many times sexual fantasies are used to induce or enhance sexual arousal, and while fantasies are often combined with masturbation to provide a source of turn-on when a partner is not available, fantasies are also extremely common during sexual activity with someone else. For instance, one study of 212 married women found that sex fantasies help many women achieve sexual arousal and/or orgasm during sexual intercourse.” (p416 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)

Some women’s sexual fantasies do not transfer to sex

Some women find that they are not able to use their sexual fantasies effectively during sex with a partner. It has been suggested that this is particularly true for complex and surreal fantasies (as they often are). The presence of another person interferes with the mental focus needed to generate sufficient arousal for orgasm.

Women also have to work harder than men to generate orgasm from a much lower base level of sexual arousal. Our sexual thoughts do not rise as readily from the subconscious to the conscious mind as men’s do. So we have to be more inventive about our sexual fantasies and their surreal nature can make them more difficult to relate to a sex life with a real life partner.

Equally the imagery of physical sex play does not assist with female arousal. To generate sufficient arousal to reach the heights of orgasm from fantasy alone, my brain really has to focus. Even a dripping tap or someone else’s presence is enough to destroy my mental absorption in a sexual fantasy. So there is no question of being able to fantasise effectively during sex.

“Roxanne, a forty-seven-year-old psychiatrist, explains also that ‘women probably fantasize more and harder than men, because the traditional idea of feminine behaviour is a burden to a woman during sex. …

Fantasy restores the balance. Add to that that women spend more time thinking up stories anyway, and read more fiction than men, and you’ve got a wild world in there … lewd extravagances that I’ll bet most men never come even close to imagining.’

By focusing on some aspect of sex that she finds particularly arousing, and by exaggerating it to the point of outrageousness, a woman increases her chances of climaxing.” (p179 Satisfaction Guaranteed 1996)

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)

6 comments for “Women’s sexual arousal relies on sexual fantasies

  1. Kristal B.
    December 4, 2017 at 8:53 am

    Hi, Feel free to ask me anything. I’m not shy.

  2. Jane
    December 4, 2017 at 10:15 am

    Hi Kristal, Thanks for contacting me!

    Can you tell me something about your sexual experiences – relationships & masturbation

    What physical stimulation do you use for orgasm?

    What erotic turn-ons do you use for orgasm?

    Any other insights into your sexuality you want to share?

  3. Kristal B.
    December 4, 2017 at 11:56 am

    Hello Ms.Jane such a pleasure to speak with you,

    I have no certain way to begin my response so if you don’t mind I am going to just dive in and let this email flow from there. I use digital stimulation or a mechanical one. I sold sex toys for a while so I became acclimated with them. Confidentially, I use various forms of erotic stimulation. Depending on my mood, the time of day, and which particular desire I’m trying to fulfill.

    I live a very monotonous and monogamous sexual life with my husband. It’s very drab and unexciting sexually. He’s rather selfish and lazy in the bedroom, so the article making point that women don’t have sex for pleasure rather we do it, when we “aren’t in the mood”, to fulfill some mundane expectations put on us by society that requires us to be “ever and always available” to our partner, was actually quite accurate.

    At no Time during intercourse am I more turned on than when he talks to me. Women are more emotional creatures than physical. So when he moans, or says “come For me” or “I love it when you come for me”, it plays with my mind and gets me ready to fulfill his command and desires. In general I think most women would agree the best sex comes when your partner stimualtes your mind. It triggers an autoresponse mechanism with us physically. Ideally “foreplay starts in the mind”.

    However, even with the little bit of mental trigger I still cannot reach climax unless I am on my back (sometimes he is on his side and his fallus is inside me, but I request he lie still for a bit) and I still have to create a scenario (a fantastic fantasy) in order to reach the end. Usually, my fantasies are directly related to all the ways I wish he would respond to me, the ways he could touch me, and the places, the closeness I’d like to feel with him… around the middle of those fantasies my mind picks someone else who I find more compatible. Someone I know, who affects me in ways my husband doesn’t anymore. Eventually After about 7 to 12 minutes I reach a climax at which point I’m more involved with what’s going on with my husband. The triggered response being, now that I’m satisfied I can feel confident enough to do what it takes for him to reach a climax.

    Sometimes, fantasies are the only thing that keeps me going. Some days when I’m feeling uptight, angry, out of sorts the visions of my “dream sexual situation” turn more hard core and aggressive. Where the dream guy is taking complete control of me, “owning”(if you will) every aspect of my sexual pleasure. During this time I’m stimulating myself in some way and sometimes with digital and mechanical/physical sexually designed objects. On days where I feel the latter, sad, lonely, unwanted, those fantasies become more harlequin romance types, where I find my soulmate and we live happily ever after. (At no time do I feel guilty for mentally cheating on my husband. I think that’s such a myth)

    The biggest downside to these fantasies is after the sweet explosion of ecstasy passes I’m forced to come back to reality, which only causes me to be dissatisfied with my own situation. The orgasm is my alternate reality and then I’m back in my own space, living a life I’m completely dissatisfied with. With a man who doesn’t meet my needs on any level.

    This dissatisfaction has actually built up to the novel idea, that I shouldn’t feel guilty if I actually cheat on my husband, to him it’s infidelity, to me it would be satisfying a need. Afterall, do I not satisfy his needs daily by fulfilling my roles and responsibilities as a wife, mother, homemaker, and making sure I’m readily available to meet any need or desire sexually that he may have? Would I be so wrong to seek and obtain satisfaction as well, for don’t I deserve it? Am I not worthy of it? Could I not manage my marriage (which I do quite efficiently) and a relationship that satisfied the deeper needs that I have, the darker ones? I believe that i could manage both and live a wonderfully balanced existence that is satisfying and makes me happy enough to keep going.

    That need for total companionship and desire doesn’t just disappear after orgasm. It’s like an awakening showing me what I really need out of my life and also showing me who I really am.

    The article was wrong about The porn stimulation though. Some Women actually enjoy porn. When we fantasize about certain scenarios or are curious about certain possibilities that could prove quite uncomfortable we seek the knowledge through porn. In my case, I look for porn that seems more realistically scripted. I look for The build up of a connection, like a visual romance or dynamic of some sort that meets whatever fantasy, even some considered taboo, by most women who are not as sexually driven or open as I am.

    I could go on forever. But this is The most prevalent in my mind. If you have any questions or any direct topics you’d wish for me to express my perspective on please feel free to ask me.

  4. Jane
    December 4, 2017 at 2:07 pm

    Hi Kristal, I think you are talking about romantic fantasies.

    Nothing wrong with those. But just remember that just as every woman basically the same so it every man. If your husband cannot satisfy your need to be loved then ultimately you will have the same problem with every man.

    Men want women to be more responsive to erotic stimuli. Women want men to understand their response to emotional stimuli. Sadly men and women are fundamentally different in this respect so it’s almost impossible for each sex to understand the emotional drivers of the other sex.

    You are very vague about what anatomy you are stimulating to reach your ‘orgasm’. As I said, I suspect you are really talking about emotional orgasms. Your fantasies are filled with emotional content not erotic stimuli.

    This is quite normal as women are not intended to be responsive as men are. As long as you enjoying some aspect of your sexuality then that is all that matters.

  5. Kristal B.
    December 4, 2017 at 3:39 pm

    Good afternoon Jane,

    I really believe “erotic” is loose terminology for “that which turns someone else on or sexually stimulates them”. Romantic fantasies in themselves can be erotic to the person whose nature finds them that way. Just as panty sniffers find the scent of used underwear erotic (gross, but whatever blows their skirt up). Voyuersim is a type of erotica, which is why porn is so easy to access, and is the number one source for erotica. Emotionally or Romatically driven fantasies are a type of erotica in themselves for those whose situations lack those connections.

    Erotic stimuli is not neatly boxed into one specific idea or practice. Men and women aren’t entirely different on what they consider to be erotic stimuli as much as they are different as in how the erotic act of stimulation should be performed. Men are designed for action. Women are designed for connection. In this way women are superior to men because they are able to combine both to reach orgasm to where men can’t fathom the necessity of connection in sex.

    Clitoral stimulation isn’t the only way to achieve physical orgasm. Internal orgasm is quite possible, I’ve experienced it. The act of sex itself is an erotic stimulus if the person loves the feel of another person’s body, the way the penis feels inside them or a finger or a dildo. The act of sex is erotic alone without fantasy, but it’s easier to reach orgasm if that emotional connection is there. The problem you are seeing is with women who don’t enjoy the act of sex for more than to serve a purpose.

    Men’s ideas of what they believe is erotic aren’t entirely different to what women (who are sexually adventurous) find erotic. But perception is the factor there. My husband finds fallatio highly erotic and stimulating. I find the act of performing is not, instead his response is, (the way he groans or tilts his head back, the way he gets excited when he’s about to come,) having complete control over whether or not he explodes, is empowering, the moment his fallus swells up and his entire body loosens up completely and he’s open to me, completely under my control, I can stop or start the process of him coming, is the moment I’m at my peak erotic state and physically stimulated.. That is erotic. But that is my perception. He doesn’t find the fact that I think anal is erotic at all stimulating, and many men would jump at the chance. But for him it’s taboo and uncomfortable. And therefore not erotic to him. He finds groping my breasts erotic, I find him sucking my nipples and being gentle with the breasts erotic. The sound of his voice is erotic. When he does something nice, that’s erotic and vaginally stimulating. My perception on what is erotic is different, it’s broader and all encompassing. His perspective is rather self absorbed and self gratifying. What he doesn’t realise is that too is erotic to me. And stimulates my body via nipple and vaginal response. As he says “Everything about me gets you ready”. And he is right, only he let’s his ego assume what it is that gets me “ready” because the real factors are too deep for him to even begin to fathom.

    My point is it is unwise to assume what women do and don’t find erotic as well as it is unwise to assume that erotic stimuli fits into a physical only box.

    And quite frankly sex was meant to be erotic and enjoyable, that’s why the orgasm exists. So that you can enjoy sex and want to “do it alot”. Women orgasming alone isn’t just easier because her partner can’t do the job, but because all the distractions arent there. Women think alot..during sex no matter how ready we are we have alotbgoing on in our minds. When we take the time to masterbate regardless of how we do it, we do it at a time when all those thoughts and distractions aren’t there. So we can relish in the level the orgasm brings us to. It is a blind idea to think that the orgasm is anything less than a simple erotic response to clitoral or vaginal stimulation. It’s a catalyst for empowerment, stress relief, a sleep aid, a muscle relaxer. (And that is just barely scraping the surface) The things it accomplishes with a partner…. let’s just say it is other worldly. But again I stress… It’s all about perception.

    It’s important to educate women on why they should orgasm [and frequently] with or without a partner, then teach them how to accomplish it.

    My apologies if I wasn’t clear enough before.

  6. Jane
    December 4, 2017 at 4:49 pm

    Hi Kristal,

    I am not trying to convince anyone who doesn’t want to be convinced. I provide information based on the research findings – take it or leave it! Again you have not been specific about the physical stimulation you use or the erotic turn-ons you use – these are specific aspects of eroticism (explicitly sexual/genial activity) that cause orgasm. You cannot orgasm from the sound of a man’s voice etc. These are purely emotional factors.

    Reading between the lines, you seem to be talking about the vagina. The vagina is a reproductive organ. The vagina evolved from primitive egg ducts and like all internal organs of the body is insensitive to touch. A baby’s head comes through the vagina at birth so a penis is not going to have much impact. Only the clitoris/penis are erectile organs that are capable of producing an orgasm.

    But the key to orgasm is psychological not physical. Women are clearly not aroused by porn or men’s genitals. This is why porn is censored in our society. If women admired men’s bodies then men would be just as inclined to dress up (as women do) and display their sexual attributes for women’s admiration. Women tend to scream and run away if they see a man’s penis. They certainly do not stand in line to see pictures of naked men.

    Men are aroused by intercourse with any attractive woman. They have no need for a relationship. Women need a relationship because sex, by itself, is not rewarding (for most women most of the time). Casual sex for women is about ego and enjoying admiration. Sex education is not about individual personal opinions but about the behaviours and evidence from millions of women in the general population.

    But there is no problem with you enjoying what you enjoy. It’s just not orgasm.

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