The heterosexual act of vaginal intercourse is designed foremost as an expression of love between a man and a woman.

After all, if sex was purely about two people reaching orgasm, then we would more naturally engage in activities that involve more direct genital stimulation. Intercourse is a natural progression from kissing to a man capitalising on his sexual arousal to ‘make love’ to a woman.

When a woman is amenable to accepting a man’s sexual initiative, intercourse allows her body to provide him with the sexual release of orgasm.

Penetration provides the maximum turn-on for a man and signifies a high level of trust and intimacy between two people. Intercourse represents the most personal acceptance that a woman can offer that can be emotionally rewarding for a man (especially if her sexual acceptance is awarded sparingly).

“Although we may use orgasm as a measure of the frequency of female activity, and may emphasize the significance of orgasm as a source of physiologic outlet and of social interchange for the female, it must always be understood that we are well aware that this is not the only significant part of a satisfactory sexual relationship.

This is much more true for the female than it would be for the male. It is inconceivable that males who are not reaching orgasm would continue their marital coitus for any length of time.” (p371 Sexual behavior in the human female 1953)

Many women see sex as a loving and sensual act with a man they love. The vast majority of women are not interested in the eroticism and physical sex play (focused on genital stimulation) that would lead to their own sexual arousal and orgasm.

The sexual revolution implied that women’s sexuality could become more like men’s simply as a result of a change in attitudes. In fact, many women settled for faking orgasm to keep men happy rather than being motivated to reach orgasm with a partner.

Female sexuality cannot change just to fit the fashion

Despite the supposed liberalisation in attitudes, men today still feel obliged to apologise to women for sexual innuendo. They appear to assume that a woman will always be offended by sexual references, which of course they often are.

But if women are so shocked by eroticism how do they achieve the sexual arousal that leads to orgasm? The answer is that they don’t. Most would be horrified at the suggestion that they could experience sexual arousal by appreciating aspects of eroticism. Women prefer to assume that female orgasm involves loving feelings rather than crude sexual urges.

Many women enjoy the kind of romance stories that end just as the couple kiss. Although sex is implicit, there are none of the explicit sexual references that so often offend women. This is just where men would want the story to start not to end.

Women are not naturally attracted to the physical as men often are. A woman who is unable to empathise with men’s enjoyment of these phenomena will have difficulty understanding the attraction of eroticism. Women who masturbate enjoy aspects of eroticism through sexual scenarios or stories. Fantasy allows women to gloss over the crude practical details of sex.

But it is one thing to use sexual fantasies during masturbation alone or during sex, for that matter. It requires a much higher level of trust and communication to discuss ways of sharing our sexual fantasies with a partner during physical sex play.

Women may not be happy about a lack of orgasm during sex but they can put up with it. If a man ever experiences impotence, he can feel that life is no longer worth living. Women don’t have the same biological drive to reach orgasm with a partner.

This means that women don’t have the same motivation to explore all the options with a partner. Since intercourse has been endorsed by society as ‘acceptable and proper’ heterosexual behaviour, it is the default and requires minimal discussion.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)


  1. Jane, I support what you do and agree with your viewpoint more often than not. I find that the topic of sex (and in particular, the female orgasm) can be a conversation that is extremely erotic and ‘arousing’.

    There are times too, when I enjoy the topic more for the intellectual stimulation … where it makes me think either in terms of physiological response or cultural (or subcultural ‘I.E. fetishes’) practices and why they excite some and not others.

    If the topic(s) is discussed in such a way where it strokes my intellectual curiosity while simultaneously eliciting a personal reaction of sexual arousal … even better.

  2. Paul, You don’t need to worry. I am not in the least offended if a man is aroused at any time. I think we should all enjoy all the arousal we can. Unfortunately my experience is that it is much more difficult for a woman to experience the same thing as often as men do. One issue is the ability to view someone as an ‘object’. My theory is that men view those women they find attractive as a kind of ‘sex object’. This is nothing new but I mean to differentiate between men and women and also talk about how we get aroused. My suggestion is that we are aroused by objects (abstract triggers e.g. fantasies, fetishes) rather than people. As a woman, I view men primarily as people, social beings. I do not view real men as ‘sex objects’. This is not a conscious decision it is just the way it is. This explains why i use fictional/abstract men in my fantasies. I cannot use real men e.g. men I know. If I try to all that happens is that they are social and not sexual beings and I can’t get aroused. I believe that women are not intended to be aroused by a real partner because they need to be able to consciously focus on their partner’s arousal rather than their own arousal. Regards, Jane

  3. Jane, Again … like the previous one, I AGREE with your generalization about men
    and about women. But again I see myself as an exception (one of the FEW
    perhaps but still). I only find myself viewing a woman as an object when
    that is either part of the role play or something expressly desired BY the
    woman for me to do.

    Some women have wanted me to “use” them as objects over the years.
    Sometimes I found it almost a turn-off because even as an untrained eye, I
    could see there were self esteem issues (“IE saw themselves as not
    deserving love, not deserving happiness etc.) And I found that sad because
    in many cases I wanted to love them – yes I wanted sex with them but I also
    wanted that “R-word” with them (relationship).

    But there were other times that the women simply just wanted sex. Either
    she just came out of something long term and wanted nothing serious, or
    maybe she saw me (dare I say, “used me”) as someone she felt a physical
    attraction to, but no other connection. And again in those cases there were
    times it was I that wanted more – more meaning, more commitment etc. When I
    met the right woman, I was never one to shy away from relationships.
    Of course there were times where I just was not meeting any potential Ms
    Rights … and so settled for Ms Right Now.

    So … when I hear the cliches, the stereotypes, the generalizations about
    men, I can honestly say I never felt they fit me.

    I want to thank you for communicating with me. This conversation stream
    proves to me (if not you) that I am being INTELLECTUALLY stimulated only in
    this. That is not to say in another conversation, in another circumstance,
    you couldn’t arouse me sexually. In fact I am quite certain you could. Just
    saying that in this case, I am trying to get between your EARS, not your


  4. Thanks Paul. I don’t think you understand what I mean.

    Men are turned on by women’s bodies regardless of any relationship. They have a reaction to the proximity of a semi naked attractive woman even if they know nothing about her. This is why some men (at least!) go to lap dancing bars. Women do not because we are not aroused in the same way by a man’s body…

  5. Jane,

    I do understand what you are saying. I just am not one to generalise … that men do this … women do that… etc.

    For the most part I guess one can get away with generalisations and perhaps in some contexts, they might even be necessary.

    But generally … I do not generalise.



  6. No problem Paul. I think that what you call ‘generalisation’ I call being specific or explicit enough to highlight the differences in the ways in which men and women tend to behave sexually. As long as we say very vaguely everyone loves sex, sex is great, way hey! then we imply that there is no difference between men and women. We keep things vague and non-explicit. This is what I am trying to change but i understand that it makes many people feel uncomfortable.

    No matter – each to their own…! Enjoy what you can and thanks for your support. My writing is for everyone regardless of the level at which they are able to take on board the messages. I can be a little direct…!