Naturally, some women insist that they are just as sexually driven as men. Even today when pornography dominates 90% of the Internet, women remain incredibly naive about men’s passion for sex.

One woman said: “The basics are this: men like sex and will give affection to get it. Women like affection, and get it during sex. It works out well for both. I believe women enjoy sex as much as men do.”

Although the sensual pleasures of physical intimacy with a lover can still be enjoyed if orgasm is missing, men would never settle for non-orgasmic sex. Women who are familiar with orgasm from female masturbation also hope for more than affection from sex.

Women, who prior to the 1950s had been thought incapable of sexual pleasure, are now told they can ‘enjoy’ sex as much as men since female orgasm is assumed to occur ‘naturally’ during intercourse.

I have tried to imagine what it must be like for a woman to approach sex without knowing what her own sexual arousal and orgasm feels like. Even so, I have to question how a woman cannot notice a man’s early morning erection. Do they never realise that almost any intimate physical contact causes a man to be eager for sex? There are no female equivalents to these.

Equally presumably they never notice any difference between the pleasure they get from sex compared with their partner. Yet a man’s drive to reach orgasm determines the pace and usually the end of any heterosexual activity. A woman has little say in the matter. In any case, have these women never heard of rape, of prostitution, of men’s use of pornography and masturbation?

Not every man is a potential rapist, has paid for sex or is a sex pervert (e.g. fetishes, peeping tom etc.). But these examples indicate how much more sexually motivated the average man is compared to the average woman. This fact also explains why women (but not men) can hug and kiss each other without anyone assuming that there is a sexual context to the relationship.

It is important to differentiate between what women say and what women do. Women often stand to gain by professing an enthusiasm for sex. This is hardly a modern female ploy: the sexually provocative female has existed since time began.

What is much more indicative of women’s enthusiasm for sex is what women actually do:

• Men masturbate regularly throughout their lives but very few women ever masturbate to enjoy arousal and orgasm;
• Men enjoy their own arousal through pornography throughout their lives but even young women buy much less erotica;
• Our culture abounds with images of women’s bodies but women do not generate a demand for images of men’s bodies;
• Lap-dancing and pole-dancing bars are directed at men and are seldom (if ever) intended for women; and
• Prostitutes offer men sex the world over but women very rarely pay for sex.

Many women CLAIM to orgasm during sex just because it makes them look good. The facts of female sexuality have been available since the 1950’s: (1) women have more difficulty with sexual arousal and orgasm during sex than men do and (2) women need clitoral stimulation for orgasm so masturbation is a much easier source of female orgasms than intercourse.

It would be more useful to ask older women, who have less to prove, what they think of sex. I have tried talking to women of all ages about sex and the vast majority prefers to make no comment at all. In fact, very few women are shouting from the rooftops about the joys of sexual pleasure. Unfortunately the majority is intimidated by the sexual ego of a tiny minority.

There is little support for providing younger women with information about enjoying their own sexual pleasure. My efforts meet with defensiveness, silence or fierce opposition. Many people insist that women can ‘enjoy’ sex as much as men do but it is not clear that they are talking about orgasm. Women themselves are rarely able to explain how they orgasm during sex.

12 Comments »

1. RE:It would be more useful to ask older women, who have less to prove, what they think of sex. I have tried talking to women of all ages about sex and the vast majority prefers to make no comment at all. In fact, very few women are shouting from the rooftops about the marvels of sex. Unfortunately the majority is intimidated by the sexual ego of the minority (one woman in million).

   This is So True.
   I even know one guy who’s wife told him on her 50th birthday that she no longer required his services. They’re still married as far as I know…8)

   Comment by JamesMMurphy — August 31, 2010 @ 10:39 am

2. James,

   Thank you so much for this comment. It’s such a relief when someone else out there is willing to admit that sex is not an equal experience for men and women.

   I meet so much opposition from women who are determined that women should be portrayed as equally sexual as men. Not only is the subject highly political but women also show how naive they still are about men’s sexuality. It’s as if they are in denial.

   I know what my sexuality is and it’s quite good enough as it is, thank you. But this does not mean that I masturbate as often as a man, seek sex as often as a man or get the same joy out of all things sexual as the typical man does. After all I’m not a man…

   My aim is to talk about how couples can get the most out of sex by being realistic about what is possible. Most people seem to prefer to live in a fantasy land rather than improve on what they already have. Sex (even without orgasm) can be very enjoyable for women of all ages if the couple accepts that female orgasm is unlikely through thrusting (or any other mechanism with a partner) but that women CAN enjoy more sensual pleasuring.

   Young lovers do plenty of kissing and touching but this ‘love-making’ tends to be lost over the longer term. Couples need to overcome their inhibitions about enjoying physical intimacy together and be willing to explore further than the reproductive model of sex (intercourse to male orgasm).

   Thanks again,
   Jane

   Comment by Jane — August 31, 2010 @ 11:21 am

3. yes views by generalizing with a world size brush are always easy to prove…it is called “the herd mentality” (more commonly known as psychology). as i don’t suppose you have interviewed every man and woman on earth to find out how they feel about sex you just ASSUME that the mass majority of men and women are alike based on the views of a few (except the ones that don’t agree with you) and think you speak for all women and men

   in other words i find it extremely arrogant that you propose to speak for me and the vast majority of women of the world

   Comment by leciat — August 31, 2010 @ 6:29 pm

4. “I meet so much opposition from women who are determined that women should be portrayed as equally sexual as men”

   but you are so much more intelligent that you know how they fell better than they do?

   Comment by leciat — August 31, 2010 @ 6:45 pm

5. “I know what my sexuality is”

   right you know what YOUR sexuality is…don’t try to force it on the rest of us

   Comment by leciat — August 31, 2010 @ 6:51 pm

6. oh and fyi there are whore houses in nevada that cater to women and from what i have read they are making tons of money. ever heard of chippendales?

   did you ever stop to consider the reason that there are not as many male strip joints etc is because of people like you are are determined to enforce the view that women do not enjoy sex like men? that it is a form of suppression more than it is the views of women?

   Comment by leciat — August 31, 2010 @ 7:02 pm

7. There’s absolutely no need to bring so much emotion to the topic. My aim is to encourage an open discussion about women’s sexual experiences. Unless you are advocating censorship then we are all free to give our opinions.

   I’m sorry if you are offended by my assertions about women’s sexuality. Presumably you masturbate regularly, get erections throughout the day and are always hassling your partner for sex?

   I am equally sorry if you think that one bar in Nevada is adequate proof that women are as sexually motivated as men and exactly how many Chippendales shows are there?

   I am not trying to convince everyone. If you are happy with your view of the world then presumably you have nothing to learn from others. I am trying to reassure women who have questions about their sexual experiences.

   I have been asking women to contribute to the discussion about how women can get more out of sex for some time but so far no one all I get is defensiveness and no facts. Please feel free to let me know how you enjoy sexual arousal and orgasm with a partner.

   Comment by Jane — August 31, 2010 @ 8:09 pm

8. ” My aim is to encourage an open discussion about women’s sexual experiences”

   that may have been your aim but you pretty much scotched that when you declared what “most people” feel and think

   “Presumably you masturbate regularly, get erections throughout the day and are always hassling your partner for sex?”

   no and i have never met a man who does all these things either. i think you hang out with a differnt crowd then i do

   “I am equally sorry if you think that one bar in Nevada is adequate proof that women are as sexually motivated as men and exactly how many Chippendales shows are there?”

   i think you missed my last sentece there – “did you ever stop to consider the reason that there are not as many male strip joints etc is because of people like you are are determined to enforce the view that women do not enjoy sex like men? that it is a form of suppression more than it is the views of women?”

   “Please feel free to let me know how you enjoy sexual arousal and orgasm with a partner.”

   lol…so you can twist it to fit your “facts”…i don’t think so..besides you’ll just find me rude

   Comment by leciat — September 1, 2010 @ 6:09 pm

9. “If you are happy with your view of the world then presumably you have nothing to learn from others.”

   yeah it’s this arrogant attitude that really pisses me off

   Comment by leciat — September 1, 2010 @ 6:15 pm

10. “I am trying to reassure women who have questions about their sexual experiences.”

    reassure them of what exactly?

    Comment by leciat — September 1, 2010 @ 6:23 pm

11. i was using the brothel (not bar) in nevada and chippendales as an example that women are still emerging from centuries of sexual suppression/oppression and people with your attitude are not helping…we’ve come a long way baby but we have oh so much further to go….

    Comment by leciat — September 1, 2010 @ 6:34 pm

12. Leciat,

    You seem to have a lot of pent up frustration and anger on this topic. If you invested time in reading the content of this site, you would see that I am trying to help women and their partners learn more about women’s sexuality so that women can get more out of sex especially over the longer term.

    You appear to be more interested in a slanging match than a true exchange of views and experiences. The facts of women’s sexuality that I am highlighting are already published. This is nothing to do with me.

    For example, in the 1970′s Shere Hite found that only 30% of women orgasm during intercourse because of the reduced clitoral stimulation. Women often have difficulties with arousal and orgasm compared with men and this is quite normal and accepted.

    Around 10% of women are anorgasmic (they never orgasm by any means ever) whereas anorgasmia is rare among men. My site provides many quotes from reputable published sources that help couples understand how women’s sexuality is different to men’s.

    I am sorry that you think that I am out to trick you in some way. I am just trying to point out that other women have claimed easy arousal and orgasm as you appear to be doing but they are never willing to explain how they do this. This makes it difficult to understand their point of view. I would like to but silence is difficult to interpret.

    I wish you all the best with your sexual experiences.

    Kind regards,
    Jane

    Comment by Jane — September 1, 2010 @ 8:40 pm

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