Everyone says “but it all works fine for other women”. My question is “How?”
Men have more testosterone. Men get turned on by anything that moves in a skirt with legs. All men naturally masturbate throughout their sexually active lives. They heckle, they ask women to dance, they proposition, etc. etc.
And women? They wait to be asked. Is this a sign of sex drive or sexual arousal?
When you look around the web it is relatively rare for a woman to describe exactly how she reaches orgasm with a partner. There’s lots of talk about female orgasm and what it feels like but women know this from female masturbation.
I can quite see why women might be embarrassed to admit to their fantasies since suggested themes include: lesbianism, sadism, domination and rape. But I’m not asking women to divulge these most personal secrets.
A man would just say: “I like women with big tits, I enjoy porn and when I’m with a partner I GET TURNED ON before she has even taken her clothes off. I can easily orgasm BY STIMULATING MY PENIS via oral sex, intercourse or masturbation.”
This explanation has logic and reason because it includes how men get turned on (in their minds) and how they use genital stimulation to reach orgasm. I am simply asking women the same question.
Expert advice about lack of orgasm often focuses on the suggestion that women might be suffering from some vague psychological trauma or have relationship difficulties. Others question whether orgasm is even that important. All these comments indicate that we are talking about women because men would not relate to this advice.
Some experts suggest that women need to employ relaxation and muscle tensing exercises in order to orgasm with a partner. Imagine suggesting this to a man! Exactly how does it help with arousal if you clench your pelvic muscles? Everyone still seems to be convinced that intercourse works for women. No one ever comments on the mental aspects of arousal.
Other experts use intimidation tactics. Some suggest that if a woman knows how to orgasm from female masturbation then all she has to do is the exact same thing during sex. Others suggest that women need to be more assertive in telling their partner what physical stimulation they need during sex. The effect is to trivialise the difficulties that women have with orgasm.
By patronising women and implying that female orgasm with a partner is easy, experts silence women. In fact, they use these techniques to have their suggestions accepted, however ineffective they might be. Some women may be able to orgasm with a partner with additional (manual or oral) clitoral stimulation but this does not mean that all women will be able to.
Experts never disclose how they (or their partners, in the case of male experts) achieve the psychological sexual arousal necessary for orgasm. The implicit assumption is that women experience the same kind of spontaneous arousal from a lover’s body that men do and that physical stimulation techniques are all that is required for women to orgasm during sex.
If men have such significant stimuli (Kinsey acknowledges that women are not aroused by the body and genitals of a sexual partner as men are) to induce or aid their natural sexual arousal (Kinsey acknowledges that men are aroused by the thought of sexual activity but women are not), then how do women achieve the exact same result (orgasm) that men do?
Despite the fact that women use fantasy during female masturbation, there is no discussion of how women might also use sexual fantasies during sex. If they do not use fantasy then what do they substitute during sex in place of fantasy? We know that women do not get turned on by a lover’s body in the same way that men do.
I don’t mind being proven wrong. If other women want to come forward and tell me how their sexuality works to enable them to reach orgasm pretty much as spontaneously as men, then I’d really like to hear from them.
In fact, I would like to hear from any woman on the planet who is willing to stand by her sexual instincts. I don’t mind if she’s never had a sexual urge or orgasm in her life. That at least is believable. What is not believable is anyone who suggests that women respond sexually much as men do.
Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)