I’m sure that men will understand the point. We express our sexuality through two basic phenomena:

  • Firstly, enjoying our own PSYCHOLOGICAL arousal by appreciating eroticism; and
  • Secondly, bringing our sexual arousal to orgasm by PHYSICAL stimulation of the genitals.

Yet many women are shocked by eroticism (whether visual or verbal pornography, erotica or the concept of sexual fantasy) and equally shocked by the idea of explicit clitoral stimulation (either female masturbation or oral sex – cunnilingus). So how is it that they reach orgasm by any means?

Of the women who responded to Shere Hite’s questionnaires (1976), 82% said that they masturbated and yet I have found very few women who masturbate. Most are offended by the suggestion that any woman would want to engage in clitoral stimulation under any circumstances.

Shere Hite was asking detailed questions about how women reach orgasm. Naturally this biased the results of her surveys because it is only through female masturbation that a woman has the confidence to answer detailed questions about orgasm.

A general failing of surveys is that they ask closed questions like: Do you masturbate? Any woman who has ever put her hands anywhere near her genitals can justify ticking the box. Masturbation as an adult activity involves knowing how to become sexually aroused enough so that genital stimulation leads to orgasm. Female sexual arousal has to be CONSCIOUSLY generated.

Most women are unaware of the need for orgasm techniques

As a woman who has questioned a lack of female orgasm during sex, I am told that other women find orgasm easy. The trouble is that the facts stand against this claim. Common sense tells us that (compared with the genital stimulation that men need) the clitoral stimulation provided by vaginal intercourse is likely to be insufficient for a woman to reach orgasm.

Women, whose sexual experiences are based purely on sex with a partner, often interpret sex in the light of emotional criteria. They are confused by other women’s questions about orgasm because they think it is easily achieved. They believe that all you need is loving feelings for your partner and then you reach orgasm the first time and every time from vaginal intercourse.

BUT we are mixing apples with pears here.

Women who do not appreciate eroticism, do not explore their sexual fantasies, do not masturbate and think that vaginal intercourse is the only acceptable sexual activity are unlikely to be able to advise women who, having explored their sexual arousal both alone and with a partner through a variety of activities, question a lack of orgasm during sex.

The phrase ‘orgasm techniques’ sounds fancy but only means getting turned-on and then knowing how to orgasm by stimulating our genitals. Men also use orgasm techniques because (even for men) orgasm does not simply drop out of a tree.

A woman, who can masturbate to orgasm, may advise other women to learn how to masturbate because masturbation is the starting point for understanding our own sexual arousal and how to achieve orgasm. Many of these women might hope that they will learn one day how to do the same with a partner but this is very different to saying that it is easy to achieve.

“… the fact remains that the techniques of masturbation usually offer the female the most specific and quickest means for achieving orgasm. For this reason masturbation has provided the most clearly interpretable data which we have on the anatomy and the physiology of the female’s sexual responses and orgasm.” (p132 Sexual behavior in the human female 1953)

Men’s sexual experiences are much more straightforward. Women’s experiences are taboo because of lack of understanding. Women rarely compare notes even on masturbation let alone how they succeed with transferring orgasm techniques to sex.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)

4 COMMENTS

  1. 1)From my point of view I think to get it right you also have to be open to the possibility that you may get it wrong and know that it’s is ok if it does go wrong (that works both ways) everyone’s body I believe responds in its own unique way so it’s good to explore together to..
    2).. Get to know what feels good. There is more than that to ‘getting it right’ though, It’s important to be honest and certainly not critical, of something feels good then make sure they know it, offer guidance and just be open and honest. Mostly keep it fun.
    3).i think it’s easier to tell a partner how to pleasure you if you know how to pleasure yourself I think, I certainly find it easier as I know my body quite well these days, that’s not always been the case. It might be difficult to say what feels good for you if you don’t know.
    4).. I’m quite curious to know why female arousal could be a secret,. It shouldn’t be.. it should be celebrated, embraced and enjoyed. It is a wonderful thing…being intimate with someone is a beautiful thing and should be pleasurable for both.
    5) I’ll make this the last one.I can only speculate reasons why some women may not say what they want.. I’ve had times when I’ve not said anything so not to offend. Feeling that my own pleasure was not deserved and felt it was shameful, obviously I was wrong about that.

  2. Actually, I’m asking women to be specific about the anatomy involved in orgasm. Also to specify erotic turn-ons that cause female arousal. Very few women are willing to comment explicitly on sex or orgasm.