How to orgasm

Shere Hite explained how women apply orgasm techniques in order to orgasm during intercourse. Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm are not automatic and so women have to learn how to orgasm. Inevitably, such techniques take time to develop.

“… the two reasons women don’t orgasm during intercourse are:

(1) they are given false information, specifically they are told that the penis thrusting in the vagina will cause orgasm; and

(2) they are intimidated from exploring and touching their bodies… They do not control their own stimulation.” (p53 The Hite Reports 1993)

Research indicates that masturbation is innate but sex itself is learned. We know that vaginal intercourse is reproductive and so we assume it also leads to sexual pleasure.

Unfortunately, female orgasm is not required for reproduction and so vaginal intercourse is not designed, either physically or psychologically, to provide a woman with orgasm. Luckily other sexual activities can be just as enjoyable as (if not more than) intercourse.

Intercourse naturally allows a man to control his own physical stimulation (of the penis) through thrusting. Even if the woman takes the initiative and ‘rides’ her man from on top, she is still stimulating his penis with her vagina. A couple needs to build into their sex life the same freedom for the woman to obtain the clitoral stimulation that she needs.

Clitoral stimulation is not everything

If a woman knows how to masturbate to orgasm, she may be able to obtain the additional clitoral stimulation she needs by applying her orgasm techniques to sex while her man penetrates her. Usually a woman will masturbate herself during intercourse using a rear-entry position e.g. in the spoon position (imagine spoons lying side by side in the drawer).

“Forget the missionary position. Most men think that if they stick it in you you’ll be screaming with orgasm, just as long as they keep at it enough” says Ruth, 30. “It’s just not so. No matter how much you pump, nothing is going to happen, apart from her writing a mental shopping list for Tesco. Unless, of course the clitoris is involved. And that’s physically impossible if you’re lying on top.” (Men’s Health magazine Jan/Feb 1998)

Over time a man can learn how to stimulate his partner but this kind of sensitive technique is difficult to acquire as a man relies on his partner’s feedback. The likely areas, equivalent to the erogenous areas in a man, include the labia themselves (the length of the penis), either side of the labia (the testicles), the entrance to the vagina (base of the penis) and around the anus.

Porn movies are based on male fantasies and are not intended to be educational. So most real women do not relish the thought of gulping down unreal amounts of gelatinous spunk or having it sprayed all over their bodies. I also wince when I see women apparently built like horses the way they can withstand such vigorous clitoral stimulation as if they have male genitals.

A much gentler approach is to be recommended in real life, at least to start with. A man needs to learn how his partner reacts when stimulation is pleasurable. Signs of sexual arousal in a woman are subtler than for a man but include the degree and consistency of her vaginal fluids, the extent that the vaginal entrance and labia are swollen and the degree of clitoral erection.

Transferring orgasm techniques from masturbation to sex can be difficult for a woman because some sexual fantasies are more difficult to use during sex with a partner. Unfortunately not every woman is able to focus on fantasy during sex.

Excerpt from Ways Women Orgasm (ISBN 978-0956-894700)