Intimacy with a lover causes me to feel affectionate but I am rarely conscious of any sexual arousal. Whether it’s sex with a partner, or masturbation for that matter, I am usually pretty much stone cold in arousal terms at the start.

I might conclude that I am frigid if it were not for the fact that I cannot visualise other women I meet approaching sex just short of an orgasm. The female mind and body simply do not work that way. Equally I don’t see other women being more actively interested in matters sexual than I am – in fact usually the reverse.

I cannot use my sexual fantasies during sex and so orgasm with a partner has been elusive by any means, whether by using positions and techniques for sexual intercourse or through more direct clitoral stimulation, manual or oral.

The website ‘Go Ask Alice!’ is one of the few sources willing to admit that women often struggle with orgasm during sex. They suggest that women who are hoping for orgasm should use masturbation or oral sex because it takes women MUCH LONGER than men to become aroused.

“The vagina itself is a muscular tube of about 8 cm that, when adequately stimulated, expands to fit any size penis with ease. When your partner initially penetrates you, the muscles of the vagina contract and grip the penis. As you continue intercourse and become more turned-on, the vagina expands even further – sometimes so much so, you can’t feel his penis inside you no matter how large it is. This explains why for both partners the initial few thrusts are sometimes the most pleasurable because the vagina feels tighter. For most women, stimulation of the clitoris is necessary to orgasm. Intercourse can indirectly stimulate the clitoris through thrusting but more direct touching with fingers or a tongue is usually more effective.” (p8 Hot Sex 1998).

Sexual arousal depends on an appreciation of eroticism

A person seeks to enjoy sexual pleasure, in the form of their own sexual arousal and orgasm, as a direct consequence of sexual desire. However, women, especially if they are unfamiliar with orgasm, can enjoy sharing physical intimacy with a loving partner, including being the object of a man’s sexual passion, regardless of their own ability to orgasm during sex.

Ironically the less inhibited you are the more disappointing you are likely to find real life because you overlook the simple things like nudity. Sometimes people refer to ‘sexual intimacy’, which comes from a man and a woman sharing the intimacies of sex including nudity, allowing someone to touch the private areas of our bodies and the ultimate act of penetration.

If we were all nuns we could probably make do with sexual fantasies based on vaginal intercourse e.g. sex in public, sex with multiple partners etc. The more we read and imagine beyond the everyday, the more we are likely to need to venture into less comfortable territory. If a fantasy is to help us orgasm then it needs to encompass aspects of sex that we consider to be taboo.

When we explore sexual fantasies, we tend to start on the more innocent side and build up to the more advanced or kinky. The same goes for sex with a partner. For example, most people probably make do with straight intercourse for a first date.

Ask your partner to spend some time preparing your body for sex. Get him to shave your pubic hair completely, which can feel kinky and also makes oral sex easier for the guy. An enema can cause arousal so that even intercourse is more arousing than normal. Try a blindfold or having your hands tied during sex. Visit a sex shop for other ideas to get the brain going.

As long as you are both keen, consider working out a schedule for building up to fisting and/or anal intercourse. Remember the golden rule with these more advanced techniques: TAKE YOUR TIME. You should expect to invest serious time in just relaxing, lubricating and exploring with a finger. Information is vital: Em and Lo’s book ‘The Big Bang’ is excellent on both of these.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)


  1. Hi Jane

    I am a 45 yr. old woman who can’t feel anything during sexual intercourse with my husband. We have been married for 9 years now and it hasn’t gotten any better, just worse. He complains that I don’t want to have sex with him and I don’t. What’s the point? I don’t feel anything. I am not aroused at all and I am just a hole for him to feel pleasure.

    Why didn’t God give women the design to feel pleasure during sexual intercourse? If women were able to feel more pleasure we would want to have sex more often. It seems that God did make a mistake when he designed women not to be able to feel pleasure during sex and to be able to orgasm during intercourse.

    If we can only orgasm during self pleasuring with the clitoris, what is the point of having a man around, especially when he won’t to take the time to see it through?

    Why should I let him get “off” when he doesn’t get me “off”?

    Frustrated to the max.

  2. Hi Peanut, Thanks for commenting.

    It’s very difficult to accept that Nature doesn’t actually care about female orgasm. At the end of the day, women get pregnant via other means. If one’s really cynical there’s rape (men are physically stronger for a reason) but also we do need men for protection, for support etc. Ideally sex involves more than just putting up with it but I’ve had years when I felt the same way.

    Your best hope is to persuade your husband to invest in your sex life. He needs to accept that it is selfish if he is not willing to invest in pleasuring you (even if it’s not to orgasm). It’s not really fair on men because sex is just not designed to cause female arousal. We are responsible for our own arousal but it is much easier to achieve alone because of the focus required for fantasy.

    Please take a look at my posts on using your sexual fantasies with a partner. I have found that getting my partner to pleasure me can lead to a physical pleasure that is different to masturbation but still highly pleasurable. My fantasies are around anal sex which is fairly easy to incorporate into sex. Women are turned on by things that are done to them so try a sex shop and porno movies in your sex life.

    Please comment on my site. I am really struggling to find women who are willing to talk about these issues openly. But I really understand how embarrassing the whole topic is.