Sunday, September 1, 2019
Home Men & sex play Enjoying sex play Making the most of sex play

Making the most of sex play

Overall my partner and I have been lucky to have enjoyed exploring eroticism and sex play together. Sure we have had our ups and downs like anyone else.

There have also been many positive moments. When I am in a romantic mood, perhaps after a movie or after spending companionable time with my partner, it can be the most exhilarating experience to enjoy passionate kissing while having sex.

There are also times when I feel especially tuned into my sexual fantasies and I want to have adventurous sex with my partner. It is a real luxury to approach sex with a man totally without embarrassment so I can ask him to do whatever I want.

We have had some sexy weekends away. One time I set out to join Peter, travelling by train from London to an Oxfordshire village. I decided to get in the mood by reading one of my erotic novels. It was a great turn-on, reading about sex while surrounded by strangers.

Peter was happy to oblige when we arrived at the hotel. Straight intercourse can be pleasurable as a ‘quickie’ when I am already aroused. We knew that we had the whole weekend ahead of us so it was great to approach sex more frivolously than normal.

Another time we flew out to Prague in winter and got cosy straightaway in the hotel room. Peter ran a bath while I lay on the bed reading an erotic story. After bathing with some fellatio thrown in, I lay on the bed still reading while Peter touched me up.

I keep reading until the sensations cause me to want to focus on my own sexual arousal.

Sharing eroticism and sensual massage

We have also had holidays (when the children were taken care of in activities) where we have retired to bed after lunch each day to have a couple of hours sleep and some sex. I relaxed while my partner gave me an erotic massage.

There was no goal of orgasm for me because at the time I only enjoyed arousal during sex. I have enjoyed the sensations of having my clitoral area (up and over the hood of the clitoris) stroked. We would finish with vaginal intercourse: either with my partner on top or beside me so he could continue stroking my clitoris while penetrating my vagina with his penis from behind.

We spent a number of summers sailing in Turkey. Peter liked me to go topless as we sailed along the coast for lunch at a beach restaurant. Holidays have provided an opportunity for us to spend some quality intimate time together.

We notice that other couples often go on holiday with friends: the men engage on activities while the women shop or read by the pool. We often wondered why other couples did not appear to make time for a siesta and some sex play during their holiday.

“Some couples find it easy to talk and share together, to explore different ways of making love and discover what each wants. Women who describe this kind of relationship often comment on its quality as a whole, rather than just its sexual aspects.” (p121 Woman’s Experience of Sex)

Over more than twenty years of our relationship, we do not see other couples with an intimacy we envy. No doubt there are other couples who have regular sex and enjoy talking together. But it’s rare. We are happy with what we have.

So when I am told that every couple out there is enjoying an idyllic sex life, I have to wonder. Most middle-aged couples we come across are rarely even intimate with each other. Perhaps we live a quiet life but swingers are, in any case, only on an ego trip.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)


  1. Hi Jane, I am glad to know that I am not the only woman who can’t feel sexual pleasure during sexual intercourse. It is incredibly frustrating to me and my husband. He doesn’t understand why I can’t “feel” anything when he is in me. I have no nerve endings in the vagina. It’s all in the clitoris. It seems like the only way to get sexual pleasure and orgasm is through the clit. And masturbation takes care of that. So what is the point of men besides child birth?

    It is also very frustrating when my husband decides how long he will spend on me, regardless of whether or not I have had an orgasm and decides it’s his turn. So, of course I get mad. I am not happy in this relationship. I am just a hole for my husband’s pleasure. I get no pleasure out of sex with him. Because of this we rarely have sex. So we avoid the issue. What should I do?

    My sexual fantasies include other men. Not my husband. How can I incorporate that in to reality? Theresa

  2. Hi Theresa

    You really need to read my site from end to end. All the answers to your questions are here.

    Your experience is quite normal. Unfortunately this is the marriage dilemma. Men expect sex for life and women are not designed to enjoy the same pleasure from sex.

    Sadly it’s about making the best of it. No one else has it any better if that’s any consolation.

    It sounds as if you could do with some investment in the wider relationship. A man needs to understand that for a woman to be willing to give through sex, he needs to be willing to give in other areas of the relationship. Talking to a therapist can really help here.

    Become a member of my site (currently totally free) and follow some of the links that I recommend on the Member Forum. I read erotica before sex, or we watch a porn movie together or we try a sex toy or bondage. Always my partner stimulates my clitoris and usually with gentle anal sex I experience a kind of physical arousal and orgasm.