Imagine the scenario: a man and a woman facing each other, naked, in a world where men and women have an identical sex drive.

So, of course, they are both standing there with an erection. Just to be clear: the man has an erect penis and the woman has an erect clitoris.

Would they mutually choose to engage in vaginal intercourse? No because intercourse does not stimulate the clitoris enough for female orgasm. Even a man would struggle to orgasm from a partner banging her groin against his penis.

So the ‘sexually equal’ couple would presumably prefer oral sex or mutual masturbation. This way both sexes could enjoy equal genital stimulation. Would Nature be happy? No because these activities are not reproductive and so the human race would die out. After all, the PRIME purpose of sex is reproduction. Sexual pleasure is merely a by-product.

In ten years of researching female sexuality very few women have been able to explain convincingly how they orgasm with a partner. It either ‘just happens’ or it happens ‘naturally’.

Such explanations indicate how oblivious many women are to the psychological elements of sexual arousal and even to the appreciation that genital stimulation is required for orgasm. Women claim that intercourse is orgasmic the ‘first time and every time’ and get away with it. We are all so totally convinced that because men find intercourse arousing so should women.

Men are lucky because they get turned on (enough for orgasm) by the body of a sexual partner and during intercourse the penis is directly stimulated by thrusting. Women are not so lucky. They do not become aroused enough for orgasm simply by looking at the male naked body nor is the clitoris stimulated adequately during intercourse.

Women need direct clitoral stimulation for orgasm but, much more importantly, they need an intense mental focus on fantasy to achieve the kind of sexual arousal that leads to orgasm. Such focus is often impossible to achieve with a partner and this explains why female masturbation alone tends to be the easiest source of female orgasm.

Women who claim to reach orgasm from intercourse alone are mistaken

If women were able to orgasm through vaginal intercourse, without any direct clitoral stimulation, it would imply that women are MORE HIGHLY SEXED than men. Even men need DIRECT penile stimulation for orgasm.

So anyone who claims that women orgasm during vaginal intercourse is mistaken. Of course, women are known to fake both their own sexual arousal and orgasm. Equally many women simply assume that they orgasm during intercourse because few women masturbate so they never know what orgasm is. This explains why so few women ask about lack of orgasm.

It is only women who are familiar with orgasm from masturbation who realise that orgasm is missing from sex with a partner.

“Nevertheless, many women prefer intercourse to masturbation because it gives them additional sensual benefits such as being held and being kissed and also makes them part of a spontaneous give and take.” (p587 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)

Vaginal intercourse, for a woman, feels like affectionate hugging since the vagina has little sensitivity to any sensation from penile thrusting. Vaginal intercourse is literally a heterosexual ‘love-making’ act. The difficulty over the longer-term is that a man forgets to ‘make love’ to his woman by including sensual petting and sex play before heading for his orgasm through thrusting.

Equally, women are not motivated to seek other more explicit forms of genital stimulation during sex because (1) they do not approach sex already aroused and (2) female sexual arousal does not arise from an appreciation of a lover’s body.

Women co-operate with men’s sex drive and provide men with sexual pleasure to create the emotional bonds needed for long-term relationships. Intercourse provides women with an easy way of satisfying a man with the least inconvenience to herself.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)


  1. Hi Jane, I just wanted to drop you a note on how much I’ve enjoyed all your articles. I am a bit confused though. I’m trying to figure out just exactly what my role as a male is. I’m not sure about much anymore after reading your blogs for months. Do women ever look forward to sex and get horny or is it more a show of love to their partner to have sex. So I’m gathering that vaginal sex is way over rated for a women. Would a woman rather have oral sex or have a vibrator used on her. Sorry for all the crazy questions. Jim

  2. Women enjoy aspects of the wider relationship – talking, laughing together, doing things together. Intercourse is just about impregnation. If a woman feels positive about the relationship, then she can get tremendous pleasure from pleasing her man. Men need to keep the variety. Nothing arouses women as such but sensual pleasuring can be pleasant. A man needs to do all the work! I hope that’s not too demoralising for you?

  3. No not at all. I just think that there are to many moving parts to ever find the exact way to her heart and her wanting sex on a consistent basis. It seems for a woman it can change on a dime without notice. This leaves me frustrated trying to be a mind reader every day. I just wish women would be honest about sex and tell us what there thinking and what they need. It’s not much of a turn on to think a woman will suck you off or spread her legs out of obligation instead of doing it because she really wants it too.

  4. This is where the deceit begins. Men state that they only want to hear that a woman truly wants sex. Then that’s what they get. But it’s not a true picture. I don’t understand why men can’t accept that women have other equally pleasurable joys of life. Sex is for men. In fact women are not built/equipped to get the same from sex. It seems hugely insensitive to me that men keep harping on about something that women can’t possibly ever experience. It’s a bit like women saying that men really should know what it’s like to have a baby. But going on and on and on about it – day in and day out.

    It’s not an obligation by the way. Women offer sex because they want to. They want to please a lover. They want to be pleasured by a lover. But it’s not a burning desire. It’s simply nice sometimes. Other times it can seem like a huge chore. I’ve never worked out a formula. Probably many factors are involved e.g. how a woman feels generally, how she feels about her partner & her inclination to engage on the erotic. Men live in a perpetual fantasy – women have to work much harder to move from real life to the sexual world.

  5. Thanks! I really don’t want to come off as a male that only thinks about sex, I don’t! I enjoy doing a thousand other things with a woman that has nothing to do with sex. Being loving, kind, gentle, giving and just enjoying the company of a woman and letting her know that. My biggest fear is engaging in something that isn’t mutually enjoyable to both people. I like reading your blogs because it has given me so much to think about. I think we can all learn and grow from other people.

  6. Men & women enjoy different things from sex. A woman enjoys being admired, caressed & kissed. She likes to feel adored but also that her body arouses her lover. She enjoys feeling consumed by a man’s passion. But this is difficult for a man to communicate. Women do not like explicit terms or graphic descriptions. Sensations are sensual & emotional. But too often sex becomes very functional. Couples have to work at keeping sex alive by introducing some variety over time. First though, a woman needs to be ‘in the mood’ i.e. receptive to engaging on sex. She needs to feel relaxed & not distracted by other concerns. Holidays work well usually, for me at least.