Wednesday, September 18, 2019
Home Men & sex play Physical intimacy Women who want to enjoy sexual pleasure

Women who want to enjoy sexual pleasure

When I was growing up there was never any embarrassment over nudity at home. As divorcees, my parents naturally enjoyed sexual relationships with various partners from time to time.

So I have never seen any reason why I should not enjoy the same easy sexual arousal and orgasm apparently promised by erotic fiction. Especially since I have been lucky enough to have:

  • enthusiasm for erotic literature, sexual fantasy and masturbation;
  • a sexually attractive body (pretty with a good figure);
  • a close relationship with my partner and an adventurous sex life.

I was naturally curious about eroticism because I recognised that sex was a natural part of adult relationships. I saw sex as an adventure to some extent and read avidly about the exploits of prostitutes and call-girls in an attempt to understand how to be a ‘good lover’.

Being a ‘good lover’ appeared to involve being relaxed about nudity, physical sex play and sexually explicit activities. I understood that an ‘uninhibited’ woman would naturally be able to respond to being pleasured in a similar way by a man.

Even though from the very first time, I realised that sex was for the enjoyment of the men in my life, I have been willing to invest in pleasuring them because I cared about them. Their obvious sexual frustration meant that unless I had a good reason, I accepted going along with their desire for sex.

I came to realise that the eroticism and sex play that many men hope for is often based on situations where women are being paid for offering sex. The fact is that prostitutes are, after all, not engaging in sex for their own sexual pleasure. In other words, it’s all an act.

Nevertheless, I have always been determined to make the most of my sexual experiences with a partner. I find it too humiliating (and insulting to my partner) to ‘put up with’ sex, ‘lie back and think of England’ or fake orgasm.

Over time this enthusiasm inevitably has had its ups and downs but even so I have been willing to invest effort over decades in exploring ways in which my partner might be able to return the favour.

Sex for love or for money?

No one likes to admit it but men often pay for sex (whether by supporting family or paying for dates). Nevertheless, we can differentiate between: (1) sex for pleasure where men pay directly for sex and (2) sex within a loving relationship.

The proposal of the sexual revolution was that the line between these two would become blurred. The suggestion was that in a more liberated world, men and women could hope to share sexual pleasure when they enter into intimate sexual relationships.

“Certain it is that many males reach orgasm before their wives do in their marital coitus, and many females experience orgasm in only a portion of their coitus. … Masturbation thus appears to be a better test than coitus of the female’s actual capacities; and there seems to be something in the coital technique which is responsible for her slower response there. … The record indicates that the average (median) female ordinarily takes a bit less than four minutes to reach orgasm in masturbation, although she may need ten to twenty minutes or more to reach that point in coitus.” (p626 Sexual behavior in the human female 1953)

No one explains how women can hope to orgasm during sex when they need 20 minutes or more stimulation yet younger men orgasm within a few minutes. Are there really so many generous male lovers out there?

Sometimes a woman knows that something is missing from sex. Other times the man suspects that his partner is faking or hopes that she would be more enthusiastic about sex if she could enjoy orgasm during sex as he does. In some cases, the man is much more driven by sex than the woman. In other cases the couple is keen to find new ways of making sex even better over the longer-term.

We would like to share some of these ideas with other couples, who have explored a variety of sex play together in a spirit of exploration and adventure and who are open to new ideas.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)


  1. Fair enough. Women DO experience sexual arousal in anticipation of a desired sexual encounter, contrary to your point. (I think the lingerie industry knows that too!) That is why I disagreed with you, though I should have used a more elegant term than BS

  2. What are you calling sexual arousal? Simply vaginal lubrication? This is just a way of the body preparing for intercourse. I am asking women to explain how they achieve mental arousal. No one can orgasm unless they are mentally aroused. I am not asking for opinions but facts.

  3. I find women always have some excuse for not discussing sexual topics. I find only men talk of female orgasm in any explicit detail. They message me privately. But it’s all fantasy. Women mistake emotional sensations for orgasm with a lover. Very few women masturbate to orgasm.

  4. That’s your experience. A scientific research approach would help. Anecdotal evidence from one’s cohort group differs by cohort. It appears you are projecting from a small sample relative to the subject universe, especially of people known to you….

  5. That is why I am asking on the web but few women ever comment at all on sexual pleasure. They can’t name any female erotic turn-ons so how do they get aroused? Mental arousal causes blood to flow to the genitals & makes orgasm possible. Most women don’t know what an orgasm is.

  6. You shouldn’t be so arrogant if you know nothing about the topic. I have asked sex therapists, sex educators etc. etc. All they do is quote from text books. Orgasm is a response of the human body regardless of sex & orientation. Social/Emotional sensations are not orgasm. Women wear sexy underwear as a male turn-on. It has nothing to do with female arousal, which is largely subconscious.