Many people describe their sex life, including evidence of female arousal, as if it came straight out of erotic fiction. I have come to question these stories because, despite their initial bravado, no one is ever willing to provide any detail.
Naturally most women are too embarrassed to comment. They conclude that their experiences of sexual arousal must be abnormal. They assume that other more ‘experienced’ or more ‘sexy’ women must have a more ‘normal’ experience.
Women, who do comment, tell me that they become aroused just as men do by appreciating their partner’s body but I know that women’s minds and bodies do not respond sexually as men’s do. In fact most women are hugely offended by any ‘adult’ material: including language, imagery or erotica relating to the genitals of either sex.
So women are too embarrassed to speak up but why are men unwilling to say how their partners get the clitoral stimulation needed for female orgasm? Why do so many men still believe that women are aroused through vaginal intercourse?
There is no shame in a woman never discovering her own sexual arousal especially with a lover. Female sexual arousal is MUCH more obscure than male and in this sense understanding female sexuality, for what it truly is, IS like rocket science!
It is a misconception that we live in a modern and sexually sophisticated world. From an emotional standpoint, humanity might just as well be in the Stone Age.
True female sexual arousal and orgasm
Women can be utterly convinced (and convincing!) in describing their sexual experiences as orgasmic. Such stories are worthless unless women can explain their orgasm techniques in enough detail to allow others to learn from them.
Unless she knows what orgasm is from masturbation, a woman can easily mistake orgasm during sex. Unfortunately the confusion over female orgasm undermines women’s confidence in their less sensational but more realistic experiences.
“The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent full of doubt.” (Bertrand Russell 1872-1970)
There’s always an element of personal interpretation but a genuine story will ring true if it strikes a chord with other women. Forget the bluffers! What matters is making the most of our own experiences whether we describe them as orgasmic or not.
Once we accept that female orgasm from intercourse is difficult, the more interesting question is how women orgasm during sex BY ANY MEANS (oral sex or manual stimulation of the clitoris). How can a woman who is familiar with orgasm from masturbation alone learn how to experience something similar during sex? Please e-mail me, Jane with your story.
Some ideas for context that might help others:
- Please provide some basic personal background: age, sexual experience, relationship history etc.
- Can you masturbate yourself to orgasm (if so, how exactly, how often, since when)?
- If you can orgasm with a partner: what technique do you use, how long did it take for you to learn to orgasm during sex in this way and how do these orgasms compare with those from masturbation (if relevant)?
- What role do sexual fantasies play in both masturbation and sex with a partner?
- What impact does the relationship have on your ability to orgasm? Can you orgasm during sex with different partners?
- How often do you initiate sex with your partner and/or masturbate alone on average?
Excerpt from Ways Women Orgasm (ISBN 978−095689−4700 published 2011)