Young men wake up each morning with an erection and have spontaneous erections throughout the day as sex-related thoughts occur to them or simply as a result of seeing someone they find attractive. A boy has no choice but to learn about his sexual arousal and orgasm but, for women, learning how to orgasm is a much more conscious process.

“What’s pink and hard first thing in the morning? Answer: The Financial Times!” (The FT is a high-brow UK newspaper printed on pink paper).

Her man’s erection is a novelty in a woman’s first sexual relationship since her own anatomy provides her with no comparable experience. If a woman has an erection (of the clitoris) at all, it is only once she has the experience to know how to become highly aroused. A man’s sexual arousal can be very flattering and in the early days, a man’s devotion is reward enough.

I remember that I was fascinated by the way my partner’s penis appeared to have a separate identity of its own in our sex life! Whole books have been written about the personality of the penis, the cocky blighter, with or without his hat on. But the clitoris? The clitoris is like a demure flower that hides in the face of an audience like a blushing virgin.

“There are two types of penis. One expands and lengthens when becoming erect (The Grower). The other appears big most of the time but doesn’t get much bigger (The Shower). A Men’s Health survey shows 79% of men have growers 21% have showers.” (p34 Men’s Health Magazine June 2007)

Male sexuality involves a high sex drive

Most boys discover masturbation fairly automatically in early teens. The penis is naturally the focus for physical stimulation and visual pornography provides men’s psychological sexual arousal. Men’s sexual fantasies tend to relate well to sex with a partner and so transferring orgasm techniques to sex is usually straightforward.

“It has been said that 90 per cent of men admit to masturbation and the other ten per cent are liars. … Masturbation is almost certainly less common among females than among males.” (Loving Touch 1993)

In her book ‘Hot Relationships’ (1999) Tracey Cox tells how one lover was so engrossed in his book that, despite sucking him off, she failed to gain his attention. This scenario is so far removed from my experience of physical intimacy with men that I have to wonder whether she was in bed with a shop dummy.

Male sex drive represents a big part of how we define masculinity yet, due to embarrassment over sex, differences in sex drives are rarely admitted. Apparently there are even couples who never notice a difference. Not every man has a strong sex drive but equally not every woman is willing to acknowledge her partner’s sexual needs.

“Women aren’t automatically excited the way men are.” (p10 Why men don’t get enough Sex and Women don’t get enough Love – 1993)

Men approach sex eagerly anticipating the easy pleasures of physical intimacy. They often fail to appreciate that for a woman to want to demonstrate her love for a partner through sex she must feel that she has been a receiver elsewhere in the relationship. Affectionate companionship (emotional intimacy) is just as important to women as sex (physical intimacy) is to men.

“Men want more sex than they usually get. … It’s no wonder, then, that couples argue most often about sexual frequency…” (p6 Why Men don’t get enough Sex and Women don’t get enough Love 1994)

Alcohol may slow men down a little but they still usually manage to come, especially in their younger years. My experience is that there is no chance of female orgasm after even one drink, whether through masturbation or during sex. So if the aim of a sex session is for the woman to enjoy orgasm, make sure you do all your wining and dining after sex not before.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)


  1. There are two primary aspects of pleasure for men when in a sensual/sexual/intimate situation.

    The feeling of being approved of ( receiving reciprocal touch from the other female or male) and … the pleasure of ejaculating ( unconsciously satisfying the need to give ourselves a chance in securing our genetic lineage through either impregnating a female or simply getting rid of the stale sperm in order to re stock the larder!).

  2. Perhaps the need for approval is tied into needing women to describe sex as ‘orgasmic’. This is similar to the general social behaviour where we need someone else to have a drink/cigarette (if we are having one) otherwise we feel inherently judged or disapproved of (guilty conscience?!).

  3. Hello Jane, I enjoy looking at your videos on YouTube and I do enjoy your posts on Facebook this is not to say that I’m going to buy your books or anything like that.

    I have found you to be very interesting and believe it or not as a 54 year old man that’s had a limited amount of sex and partners you have taught me one or two things about orgasm. Because I don’t or have not had many partners masturbation has been and played a big part in my life, on average I masterbate about 3 times in a fortnight there was a time when I use to masturbate 6 to 8 times a week.

    But when I masterbate now at my age obviously it doesn’t do the prostate any good because I find I just don’t orgasm. There is the feeling of ejaculation but no actual orgasm if I was to leave it for about a month 30 days and then masturbate I still would not orgasm but at what I would find if I would ejaculate so much semen that it wouldn’t stop blowing for 10 minutes after the initial ejaculation.

    So learning about what happens with the women and sometimes about what happens with the men has taught me a little bit or in this case a lot but a little bit too late.
    Anyway I just thought I would mention this and say thank you for everything that you do a post on Facebook and YouTube.

    Sincerely yours Dennis J. of NSW, Australia

  4. Thanks Dennis for commenting. Very few people ever contact me so it’s great to get some feedback. Of course most of the people who do talk to me are men…

    I would like to do more detailed work on sexuality but there doesn’t seem to be any funding or much interest in the subject from the vast majority of people. If I could do more I would like to work with a man to bring together the two sides of sexuality plus a couple of gays, etc. etc.! There’s so much to cover & sadly I am just one person. But I dream that one day I may inspire others to get actively involved in passing on sexual knowledge.