As a young woman I never understood why I did not experience sexual arousal as a natural part of my sexual relationship. Much later I decided to talk to experts, assuming that they would have some answers, but I was met only with evasion and silence.

The issue of women’s sexual arousal and orgasm with a partner is surrounded by mis-information, contrary opinions and, above all, defensiveness. More often than not, our ‘knowledge’ today revolves around debating OPINIONS rather than the FACTS.

A male doctor claims: “Many, if not most, women by the time they are 30 regularly achieve orgasm during penetrative sex or immediately afterwards with mutual masturbation”.

In the SAME article (The Times, 4th October 2008), a female therapist contradicts: “There is no avoiding the fact that orgasm is problematic for a significant percentage of women”.

On the basis of a survey (notoriously unreliable), a UK medical site states: “the average British female first learns to reach orgasm at age 19”. Even if this statement refers to orgasm from masturbation, it is ludicrously optimistic about women’s orgasmic ability.

It is often implied that women can generate sexual arousal from purely loving emotions. This indicates a misunderstanding about how sexual arousal is achieved. Even men need to use eroticism (erotic images or the body of a sexual partner) for sexual arousal.

Women are still told they will orgasm ‘naturally’ when they love a man. Romance may cause a woman to be amenable to sex but anyone who is familiar with orgasm will know that reaching orgasm involves a release of SEXUAL emotions not LOVING emotions.

Female sexual arousal is a political issue

Having been brave enough to ask personal questions about sex, I have been shocked by just how superior and openly hostile people have been. There were no answers and little sympathy. Small wonder more women don’t ask questions.

Some women claim orgasms during sex ‘just happen’ but they are rarely able to explain how their arousal works. When faced with women who do not share their experience of easy sexual arousal and orgasm they can be easily offended and quickly become defensive. This has made it very unpleasant to try to understand female sexuality by comparing notes with others.

“There are some who advocate the perpetuation of our ignorance because they fear that science will undermine the mystical concepts that they have substituted for reality.” (p13 ‘Sexual behavior in the human female’ – 1953)

The FACT that many women never learn how to orgasm during sex threatens people’s emotional beliefs. Even experts prefer to assume that female orgasm ‘just happens’ rather than have to explain how a woman can learn to orgasm with a partner.

One woman was ‘highly offended’ by anyone questioning whether women orgasm as easily as men. I’m sorry to burst anyone’s bubble but the evidence is there for anyone to see even if they claim that their own experience makes such a thing impossible.

She continued “Many reports note that in heterosexual sex relationships, the woman’s inability to orgasm is in part due to her partner’s inability to give her an orgasm, among other reasons.” That’s very nice isn’t it? Let’s blame it all on men.

So men are told that thrusting or the G-spot will ‘make her scream pure bliss and beg you not to stop all night long’. If female orgasm is so easy why is this advice necessary and why does no one ask about male orgasm? Are men really so selfish?

I also question not only WHY but also HOW exactly is a man supposed to give a woman an orgasm? Isn’t this patronising towards women? Shere Hite concluded in the 1970s that the women who succeeded with orgasm (not all by any means) did it for themselves. Women LEARN how to orgasm by applying their orgasm techniques (learned from masturbation) to sex.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)


  1. jane i would appreciate it if you could give me some expert tips on how to turn on your husban after being intimate with him for quite some time, just seems to get boring an is all in all tougher now, is there a way to keep it going and alive?

  2. Hi Mona37, In terms of keeping our sex life alive, I would summarise the following:

    1) Get away regularly (at least a few times each year) for a weekend with nothing planned but having a good time together including sex and the usual eating and drinking.

    2) Investigate some sex toys together and try a couple now and then for variety. Mostly my partner tries to vary the stimulation for me.

    3) Buy some porn movies that have some story content. Watch them together in the nude and let him stimulate you while you watch.

    4) Read a sex manual for different ideas on positions and other sexual activites to try together.

    Otherwise for more ideas see Physical intimacy or Sharing sexual fantasies.

  3. Thanks Muhammad for your support.

    My suggestions are obviously dependent on a woman being amenable to eroticism and exploring sexual activity with a partner. I hope it goes without saying that I appreciate that this does not apply to all women, sadly for all concerned.

    I’m not sure if it’s all about so-called ‘attitude’. You certainly need a sense of humour and a sense of fun. I also suspect a willingness to give comes in handy and that applies to both partners.

    Love is not about what we receive from another but what we enjoy giving.