Men’s sexual arousal is usually easy whereas women’s sexual arousal and orgasm are not automatic so unsurprisingly sex tends to focus on male sexual arousal.

A man’s orgasm (since it is usually co-incident with ejaculation) is critical to reproduction and so it makes sense that men are motivated by eroticism and able to reach orgasm easily.

Female orgasm, on the other hand, is not required for a woman to conceive. Even the wonders of modern contraception cannot change women’s sexuality from what Nature intended it to be.

“…men and women are manifestly not the same. And nor are their responses to one another.” (p6 The Bluffer’s Guide to Men 1998)

The fact that women masturbate less frequently than men (if at all) is rarely acknowledged. Even when it is, women are reluctant to accept that this fact indicates men’s higher sex drive.

Despite the contrast with male sexuality, where boys learn to masturbate in their pre-teens and where men orgasm easily (most of the time) with a partner, many women cannot accept that men’s sex drive might be stronger. The male and female experiences are so different that it makes it very difficult for men and women to understand the other gender’s perspective.

“We have pointed out that … the incidences of responding males, and the frequencies of response to the point of orgasm, reach their peak within three or four years after the onset of adolescence. On the other hand, … the maximum incidences of sexually responding females are not approached until some time in the late twenties and in the thirties, although some individuals become fully responsive at an earlier age.” (p714-715 Sexual behavior in the human female 1953)

Male sexual arousal is much more automatic

Unlike boys, girls do not experience spontaneous sexual arousal and so they have no similar natural motivation to investigate how their genitals might respond to stimulation. If she is to discover how her sexual arousal works, a girl has to make a much more CONSCIOUS decision to explore her enjoyment of eroticism and develop her fantasies.

So while most young men are quite naturally motivated to explore their own sexual arousal and to reach orgasm through an appreciation of eroticism and genital stimulation, most young women are, just as naturally, more focused on exploring their emotions and relationships with others. As a consequence, men and women approach sex from very different perspectives.

“…many boys, and nearly all girls, are taught that masturbation is evil, … This is nonsense, of course; masturbation has several very positive values, especially for women.… In childhood and adolescence it teaches a girl to explore her body and not to be ashamed of its shape, its texture, and its surfaces. It teaches her, especially, not to be ashamed of touching and playing with her genitals. It does more. It helps a girl become aware of her response to sexual stimuli and to recognize the stages of sexual arousal. And it enables a girl to develop her own sexuality – to know what she enjoys and what she dislikes – which is important if she is to be fulfilled sexually later.” (p107 EveryMan 1980)

Relatively few women masturbate and even fewer learn how to apply their orgasm techniques to sex. A woman who does not masturbate cannot know that she reaches orgasm with a partner because she has no way of knowing what orgasm is.

This probably also explains multiple orgasms. Unless a woman knows what orgasm feels like (from masturbation) she can easily confuse sensations of sexual arousal (or thrills of muscle spasms) with orgasm. My body’s reaction after orgasm is similar to a man’s. I feel completely relaxed and I do not have the ability to arouse myself immediately due to clitoral sensitivity.

If a couple has some understanding of the different rewards that men and women obtain from sex, they can make sure that there is a balance of giving and receiving in their sex life. If we understand how our partner’s responses differ to our own, the modern couple can aspire to ‘quality’ sex within the context of a positive and mutually supportive relationship.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)


  1. It is public information. You can google it

    Also I think with women it depends on the partner. What a woman might enjoy with one man she wouldn’t with another because of size of penis, skill level, etc.

    Men might have things that turn them on but pretty much penis in vagina sex will make a man orgasm. Little or no skill required on the part of a woman.

  2. Sorry – what public information? Do you know of a website that provides sex information for adults that is backed by research findings. I have never found any explicit orgasm advice. Most of it is wrong.

    Women cannot orgasm from intercourse because it relies 100% on a man’s responses of arousal & ejaculation. You cannot orgasm within time limits set by another person. The vagina is part of the birth canal.

    Women masturbate by stimulating the clitoris – the equivalent of the penis. But the clitoris doesn’t respond with a lover. Women are not aroused by body parts as men are – only by fantasy when alone.

  3. Well, that is your opinion.

    I think that women (gay or straight) that can’t orgasm with a partner probably has a history or childhood sexual abuse and can’t be vulnerable and have sex/intimacy in the same place.

    Or possibly are lesbians who have never been with women and are stuck in heterosexual relationships.

    It is weird to me that you don’t think that women can orgasm with a partner.

  4. Any research findings? Women boast & heckle but few are capable of a non-emotional discussion of the facts.

    In over 20 years of talking to women about orgasm, very few are willing to comment. Most of my fans are men. They appreciate my honesty.

    Most women have no idea what an orgasm is or how it is achieved. The corpora cavernosa are within the shaft of the penis & inside the internal clitoral organ. You need to have a mental focus on eroticism to achieve orgasm. Most women assume that orgasm is just about physical stimulation. Men are already aroused but women are not.

  5. But no research findings… It’s just emotional beliefs & sexual ignorance. I do not believe women’s orgasm claims that defy all logic & the facts. I am foremost a scientist & I focus on reality rather than fantasy.

    I present the biological precedents (including the evolution of sexual & reproductive anatomy), the need for consistency of orgasm techniques (between men & women, heterosexual & gay people) and men & women’s sexual behaviours.

    Women provide male turn-ons. They rarely initiate sex. They leave men to define sexual activity. They do not discuss or read about sexuality. They are silent on sexual topics. They are paranoid about men making any sexual advances yet they claim to orgasm from the sexual activity that men offer.

  6. I’m worried that you are not who you say you are and that all this asking women what turns them on is a fetish of sorts for you.

    I’m uncomfortable continuing this conversation. If you are actually a woman, then seek therapy instead of trying to disprove scientific fact.

    You are committed to the idea that woman can’t orgasm with a partner and furthermore don’t even understand what their own orgasm feels like. No study with be big enough or scientific enough to convince you.

  7. Caroline, I have 3 websites: this one plus & ! Most of my fans are men because they appreciate eroticism. You have obviously never had an orgasm in your life.

    I have consulted therapists when I was much younger & they were no help whatsoever. Hence why I have spent the last 20 years researching female sexuality. Women like yourself are defensive & antagonistic presumably because you feel threatened. You need to focus on the facts, common sense & the research findings.

    Why do men drug women to get sex? Why do women carry weapons to defend themselves against men’s sexual advances? Have you heard of rape & the MeToo initiative? Women don’t want sex – they want love & companionship. You are a victim of male propaganda telling women that they should love sex as much as men. Men look after their own interests.