Perhaps it would be simpler if I explained that I am targeting women who masturbate regularly in order to enjoy their own sexual arousal and orgasm.
Other women can be totally convinced that sexual arousal is easy and I am very happy for them. But if you do not masturbate then you cannot usefully comment on the experiences of women who do. This is simply a fact.
Imagine that, as a man, you are comparing notes with another man who has never masturbated to orgasm. Presumably he has never had the urge to masturbate or perhaps he simply lacked the curiosity to explore his own sexual arousal.
Anyway, the first time you have sex you are devastated when ‘the real thing’ turns out to be totally un-arousing. Then you learn that experts concluded decades ago that vaginal intercourse does not provide the PHYSICAL stimulation that a person of your gender needs for orgasm. This makes orgasm highly unlikely even if a person knows that they need to compensate for the lack of genital stimulation.
There you are, with years of experience of your own sexual arousal through masturbation, knowing that you have never experienced the same kind of orgasm with a partner. This same man assures you that orgasm during sex was always easy for him: the first time and every time. He confidently informs you that orgasm is simply a matter of finding a loving partner who knows how to give you an orgasm.
Much later, you also realise that without the ability to get yourself as aroused in your mind during sex as you do during masturbation (imagine here that instead of using erotic IMAGES you use erotic SCENARIOS), there is no means of generating the PSYCHOLOGICAL arousal that causes genital stimulation to lead to orgasm.
So how does this other man generate the sexual arousal that he has never been motivated to enjoy by himself? Especially when he appears to be oblivious to the need for psychological or physical stimulation techniques to compensate for the known facts of his anatomy and psychology for your sex. How can it be that everything works for him WITHOUT HIM EVEN TRYING?
The answer is that it doesn’t because he has never aspired to the same experience in the first place.
If a woman believes she has the same kind of orgasms that men experience, then why would she not masturbate as men do? The problem with sex advice today is that women who never masturbate, advise women who are familiar with orgasm from female masturbation. This is wrong because you cannot advise someone unless you have more experience than they have.
Women who know how to achieve their own sexual arousal have an unusually high (for women) appreciation of eroticism and so they understand that orgasm involves a release of sexual feelings, not loving feelings. Consequently, true sexual arousal relies on a person’s ability to appreciate eroticism (images for men; scenarios for women).
“Human males throughout history and among all peoples have been most often concerned with the sexual activities of the female when those activities served the male’s own purposes, and her solitary and even homosexual activities have often been ignored.” (p136 Sexual behavior in the human female 1953)
Despite acknowledging men’s biased interest in female sexuality, Kinsey does not comment on the pressure that men inherently place on women by describing them as ‘sexually frigid’ and in modern times as ‘sexually dysfunctional’, not when they do not masturbate or orgasm through oral sex, but specifically when they do not orgasm from vaginal intercourse.
My aim is to reassure those women who have explored their sexuality both alone and with a partner enough to know that orgasm during sex is not easy. I am interested in whether other women, who are familiar with orgasm from female masturbation, are able to achieve something similar during sex with a partner.
It does not matter if other people believe that women can experience orgasm without learning about their own sexual arousal through masturbation as men do. Neither does it matter that women claim to experience the same spontaneous arousal as men even though the female body and mind do not respond as men’s do. I am not trying to convince everyone.
If people want to learn from the experiences of others, that is their choice. If not, I am not in the least offended.
Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)