One great aspect of men growing older is that they become slightly less obsessed with their own sexual arousal and need for sexual release. Now that his own need for orgasm is less pressing, my partner is able to focus on my arousal and can bring me to orgasm through using a combination of anal and clitoral stimulation.

As a young woman I was never conscious of my own physical arousal and my body appeared to be almost inert to any stimulation from my partner. Sometime around my mid-thirties, I found that my body went through a remarkable change – it was as if I blossomed sexually.

Even intercourse became more sensual due to increased natural lubrication (still no arousal though). From time to time, my mind gets turned on now and I am conscious of the pelvic area behind the external clitoris being swollen and physically aroused (gross but true). For the first time, I experienced orgasm from my partner arousing me via manual stimulation of the clitoris.

These physical orgasms are different to those I get from masturbation when I use sexual fantasies. They are often intensely pleasurable but the increase in heart rate and breathing as well as the sense of releasing sexual emotions with the subsequent relaxation are all missing.

“Orgasms vary, both between women and for the same woman at different times. We experience different qualities of orgasm depending upon the degree and kind of stimulation we receive and also on what is going on in our minds.” (p76 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)

Men’s need for sexual reassurance

Experts try to reassure women by suggesting that orgasm is unimportant. Unfortunately, a woman who is familiar with orgasm from masturbation, assumes that the whole point of sex is the sexual pleasure of orgasm (just as a man does).

However, ultimately a woman can live with non-orgasmic sex because women do not experience the same sex drive and consequent sexual frustration that men do. Men’s desire for sex is driven as much by emotional factors as by physical.

A man in his sixties, suffering from prostate cancer, was worried that he might not be able to continue to have sex. He was so depressed about losing his ability to become sexually aroused that he felt, without sex, life would not be worth living.

Male sexuality, including sexual arousal and orgasm, represents not only a man’s masculinity but also his emotional foothold on the world. A long-term sexual relationship fuels his ability to succeed in the otherwise emotion-less world of men.

Men hope a lover will enhance their sexual arousal over the longer term. So some women do explore sexual pleasure because, like myself, they consider faking to be humiliating and they are willing to invest in keeping a marriage (and family) together.

Perhaps other women, who have made do with intercourse over decades, are more adept at using sexual fantasies. Perhaps other men accept a ‘lie back and think of England’ partner and use affairs to assist with their sexual arousal.

I told Bruce, the sexual psychologist I went to see, that in over twenty years of investing in my sexual relationship, the only orgasms I have experienced are from anal stimulation. Bruce, quite evidently thinking that I was being overly particular, asked unsympathetically: “So what’s your problem?”

“Anal intercourse is no longer considered to be abnormal and is enjoyed by many homosexual and heterosexual couples. As long as the decision is mutual and without coercion or guilt, most professionals believe that anal intercourse is simply another way for a couple to find pleasure with each other.” (p12 Dictionary of Sexual Terms 1992)

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)


  1. Jane I love my wife very much. I have got her to go out with me. Dressed in short skirt. Stockings heels. And no panties. She kept opening her legs so men sat across could see her cunt. I could tell she was excited doing it. And pretending she was unaware. I got so hard too. And the men certainly where interested. I wanted to ask them over. But she said no. Just a matter of going to the next stage i think. Would love to bring some guys home. To fuck her.she is still a looker. And im very proud of her.i would never push her tho. Have you any suggestions of how i can get her to the next stage. And watch her take a few cocks. And there spunk. I think she wants to really.
    Please reply
    Love bob x

  2. The best would be to discuss possibilities with your partner. A woman’s willingness (just as for some men!) to have sex with a stranger is a highly personal situation! My ideas are:

    (1) Find another couple where you both fancy your counterpart. Start by trying a swap and then suggest a foursome/threesome when the mood is right.

    (2) Go to a professional and hire someone who is not interested in any kind of relationship. Probably easier to achieve in the short term and much less risky.

    Good luck, Jane

  3. Hi again Jane. Thanks for your last comment regarding other men fucking my wife. Would you be interested in a threesome with me and another guy ? Just so i know what to do when it comes to doing it with wife and another guy. I don’t want to let her down or it become an unpleasant experience for her. I will pay both your consultant fees of course
    Please reply
    Love bob xx

  4. Hi Bob, I don’t offer sexual services. My area of interest is how men can provide women with sexual pleasuring. Does your partner not have sexual fantasies she wants to act out? It always seems to be only the men that are looking for sexual pleasure.

    I am amazed that women expect so little from their sex lives. They seem to see themselves purely as objects of sexual pleasure for men. Or how do you see it?

    Regards, Jane

  5. I totally agree Jane.most women just get fucked. See it as just obligation to take a cock in there cunt. Why cant they be more like most men. And want more. ? Sexual excitement .and lots of foreplay is a must. Fucking in risky public places adds to the excitement too.and i do love licking cunt out. I think most women would like that. If they would only try it. Don’t you ?
    Please reply
    Love bob xx

  6. Thanks Bob. I get a few men who think that just because I am talking about sex that I might want to have sex with them. Nice idea but I already have a partner who can pleasure me as I like. I don’t really see any appeal in having sex for money for a man’s gratification.

    My own pleasure comes from the companionship of an intelligent man who is willing to invest effort in me. I am not just a pretty face! I enjoy discussing the more intellectual aspects of sexuality and trying to understand how we respond to help others get more out of sex.

    Sorry but I don’t really correspond with men just as a sexual turn-on. I wish you the best with your sex life. Perhaps you need to differentiate between what is fantasy and what you can realistically incorporate into your real life experiences?

    Kind regards,

  7. Ok thanks Jane. And i hope i did not offend with any of my comments. I did not think for one moment you would let me fuck you. But was worth a shout lol. I would like to keep in touch with you though Jane. If that’s ok with you ?
    Love and regards