Women do not seek out relationships with men purely to enjoy orgasm. This is just as well because women’s sexual arousal tends to be elusive, especially with a partner. What a woman does with this knowledge is up to her.

“Most women who masturbate experience orgasm. More have orgasm with masturbation than in sex with a partner and these orgasms are often much more powerful than those experienced with lovemaking.” (p65 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)

The most positive attitude is to approach a sexual relationship with enthusiasm and a sense of fun. Trust is needed for both partners to be able to talk about their sexual fantasies. Orgasm is only one aspect of enjoying sexual pleasure together and is much less rewarding if other sensual and loving sex play is missing.

“Most couples who rate their sex lives highly say they are proactive in sex. They think about when, where and how they’ll have it and think up new things to try.” (p239 Hot Relationships 1999)

Ways Women Orgasm is for couples who want to share ideas on enjoying sexual pleasure together, within the context of a healthy relationship and appropriate contraception. Good sex relies on the willingness of both partners to invest effort in open communication and contemplating new ideas. It is assumed that couples are informed about the basic sexual facts.

“In summary, since intercourse has been defined as the basic form of sexuality, and the only natural, healthy, and moral form of physical contact, it has automatically been assumed that this is when women should orgasm.” (p42 The Hite Reports 1993)

How women can enjoy sexual pleasure

Consider new ways of enjoying your own sexual arousal. Forget about the goal of orgasm and focus on erotic and sensual sexual pleasure.

Here are some suggestions:

  • Take your man shopping and get him some sexy clothes. Book an evening out together and have sex before you go out.
  • Prepare for sex by having a towel and waterproof sheet to protect the bed. This means that you don’t have to worry about marking the sheets and you can also use baby oil or other lubricant freely.
  • Offer your man a ‘quickie’ now and then (standing up or bending over perhaps in the shower or by the bed). This is pure male gratification but he can always pay you back later!
  • Turn the tables on the sexual stereotypes. Think of your man as your sex toy. What would you like to do with a man who was at your beck and call? Do things the way you want to and just call on him when you feel you need him.

Many women never discover how to orgasm so be grateful for what you have! I had always assumed that sex should be, at least eventually, comparable with female masturbation. I have since concluded that for me the two are quite separate experiences.

During sex, I enjoy the eroticism of penetrative sex and the opportunity to explore with my partner how we can bring some variety to our sex life. When I am in the mood, I enjoy the pleasures of my own sexual arousal as my partner stimulates me. During masturbation, I enjoy the eroticism of sexual fantasies and the sensations of release and relaxation that come with orgasm.

I make the best of the pleasures that there are. Both experiences are very pleasurable; just in a different way. It may be that how we enjoy our best orgasms is unique to ourselves. It is worth mentioning that I only became aware of my own physical sexual arousal during sex from around my mid-thirties when my body reacted more favourably to being stimulated by my partner.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)


  1. I am a psychotherapist with a psycho-spiritual approach.

    I have long been interested in my own experience of orgasm and find there to be so little around the the holistic ap‎proach to orgasm.

    I have a particular way of climaxing in a very powerful way and I would very much like to understand in the first instance what actually happens in my body to make this happen. I can tell you how in detail ( as it seems quite rare! ) but would love to explore this in some depth as I don’t climax with my partner during intercourse.

    ‎I would like to meet an expert in orgasm to discuss this but don’t know who to turn to. A gynaecologist seems to be not the right port of call. Can we discuss? With many thanks, Emma

    Before I take this further – may I ask what your professional qualifications are ?

  2. Emma, You are welcome to describe your experience to me. I have to warn you though that I see orgasm as an erotic experience not as a spiritual experience. So we may not agree on what is involved in orgasm. Jane

  3. Jane, Thanks for responding. It is much appreciated. It has been many,many years since I opened up this subject as it is has been very hard to find anyone to talk to about it. Let’s not worry about the spiritual aspect and focus on the biological mechanics for now.

    I first orgasmed when I was at primary school ( from memory). I noticed, aged about 8, that when I climbed up a gym rope, I experienced a drawing in and upwards of my uterus that resulted in climax. I then sought out bannisters at home to continue the experience. By putting my arms over the top of a flat part of a bannister and wrapping my legs around the pole and pulling myself up, I got the same sensation. It is a deep inner climax and the more I pulled inwards and upwards, the greater the climax. I use my muscles in my uterus to do the pulling. It isn’t really a rubbing of the clitoris but a deep inner very strong muscular feeling which is very powerful and pleasurable.
    I have continued to do this over time with ropes or – as are more common to find- bannisters.
    Clitoral stimulation seems much less intense.

    My husband and I have tried to recreate this inner pull during intercourse but it very hard to do. I wonder whether the strength of the ‎muscles in the uterus have also strengthened over time causing such need to draw in so hard?

    I am very curious about whether other women experience this. I have a deep fascination around the mechanics of this ‎drawing upwards – with no need for penetration whatsoever – to create the orgasm.

    I have looked online to try and find information about it and whether other women share this but have so far not succeeded. I found a small video ‎of a woman pulling herself up on the edge of a door, seemingly with the same effect. I have tried this but it requires enormous arm strength to hold myself up!!

    I would so appreciate learning more about the physical aspects of the climax and also some help and tips on how it could be introduced into my sex life.‎ It feels very self- sufficient to climax in this way – without penetration and infact a bit lonely.

    Many thanks for reading this. All comments most welcome. All the best, Emma.

  4. Hi Emma,

    I am a freelance researcher. My qualifications are that I can explain how orgasm is achieved. It is not achieved in the ways women are portrayed supposedly having an orgasm in pornography for example.

    My conclusion is that women are very lucky to orgasm at all. Very few women talk about orgasm or masturbation.

    You don’t mention any erotic turn-ons. Orgasm comes as a result of focusing on some explicit aspect of eroticism.

    The physical stimulation involved in female orgasm comes from pressure in front by pushing down over the clitoris and simultaneously clenching the buttocks to pressure the internal clitoral organ from behind.

    This position and muscular movement is very similar to the male when he engages in intercourse – also male masturbation to some degree.

    Without the use of any erotic stimulation I would not count your experience as true orgasm. Little girls may have sensations that are thought to be orgasm but they also do not have adult fantasies.

    Orgasm is fundamentally about what happens in the mind.

  5. So what do you think is happening then in my case? It is not without erotic thought. I am now 47 and not a child anymore so obviously it has developed along with fantasy.

    In terms of your analysis, does the physicality sound normal to you?

    So I suppose – I have the greatest physical sensation through masturbation and not sex. I wonder how that leaves my forward development in my sex life‎ ?

  6. Emma, Intercourse is not an act that women can ever orgasm from. It is a demonstration of male virility and a lovemaking act for a woman. A woman would have to orgasm within the time-frame set by her partner every time. This is not possible. The clitoris is the female sex organ and the clitoris is not stimulated by intercourse. I am sure that your experience is quite normal. I have heard of similar from other women. I just doubt that it is what men call orgasm. Men always focus on eroticism to orgasm. Sex is primarily about male gratification unfortunately. But you can still have fun if you keep some variety in your sex play.