Many heterosexuals like the fact that the opposite sex is fundamentally different. Both our sexuality and our emotional responses differ.

Men are macho, sometimes a little insensitive, largely disinterested in how they look, social issues or children. Women are pretty, sometimes a little controlling, largely disinterested in getting dirty, doing battle or anything remotely technical.

When we generalise we need to be careful not to imply that everyone is completely categorised by their gender. Gender and the associated hormone drives need not always totally determine our individual priorities in life.

“Both men and women seem to accept that gender differences will remain.” (p6 The Bluffer’s Guide to Men)

We accept that men still fight and play sport separately from women but the issue of sex drive or sexual desire is a more sensitive topic. My mission has been to try to get acknowledgement of the different emotional drives that influence our lives.

The defensiveness surrounding the sexual politics of heterosexual society means that no one wants to admit what we stand to gain from the other sex. So no one questions why women spend so much time on their looks and why men subsidise women’s lifestyle. Women’s financial dependence on men is taboo because of the social custom of women trading sex for money.

Have you ever wondered why only women are called ‘whores’? The fact is that men rarely need a financial incentive to have sex. Yet even a man would struggle to orgasm with any woman regardless of age or attractiveness. Women are able to have sex with a conveyor belt of partners because they DON’T orgasm during sex. Men don’t lack stamina; they just orgasm easily.

Even today female sexuality is associated more with women’s role in providing men with sexual pleasure through intercourse than in enjoying their own sexual arousal and orgasm. Even a man would struggle to reach orgasm with the amount of genital stimulation that women get from intercourse. Yet such is the confusion over female orgasm that even women themselves insist that they can orgasm from vaginal intercourse despite the fact that it provides insufficient clitoral stimulation for orgasm.

If we understand what makes each other tick, relationships and family life could be more harmonious. There needs to be more honesty about pornography – what is exploitative and what is simply innocent eroticism. Women also need more information to learn how an appreciation of eroticism can lead to enjoyment of their own sexual arousal through female masturbation.

Men’s subconscious sexual desire is generally aligned with their conscious mind. I find that it takes a considerable effort to get my conscious mind in gear. So I often go along with sex more in response to my partner’s initiative than my own desire even though sex can be very pleasurable. It would seem that physical pleasures do not motivate me as they appear to motivate men.

I don’t remember ever being aware of my own physical arousal (erection) when I was younger. When I came off the pill at 35, intercourse became much more comfortable and naturally lubricated. Before we always used an artificial lubricant (e.g. KY jelly).

My physical arousal (erection) is often linked with seeing my partner’s penis or by giving him fellatio (oral sex). The swollen pubic area is very noticeable both to touch and to the eye. Sometimes I also have a heightened awareness of my arousal.

Stand by the bath with one foot on the floor, the other on the side of the bath, and place your fingers down over your vulva. Place your middle finger on the skin (hood) over your clitoris and rest the two other fingers either side of your labia. If you have an erection, you should be able to feel the solid bulge of your erection since the erectile tissue either side of the labia protrudes.

Although I experience my most satisfying orgasms through masturbation alone (when I can focus fully on fantasy), I am never aware of any degree of clitoral erection when I masturbate. Perhaps, for women, an erection is simply another evolutionary redundancy? Even with my partner, an erection does not mean that my mind is consciously tuned into sexual activity at all.

I would say that this is one of the main sexual differences between male and female sexuality.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)


  1. Hello Jane, I have dedicated my work on education whilst developing products focused on stimulating the orgasmic platform based on Masters and Johnson, i have worked with Relate (the only company to be endorsed by Relate) and the then BASRT during the development and have attempted to raise the profile of the physical and emotional importance of female sexual well being but seem to hit the glass ceiling when trying to discuss the orgasmic platform with the media, its 2017 and as a society we are unable to educate factual information, whilst my contribution is the financial investment i have develop a range of intimate massagers specifically designed to stimulate orgasm but will not begin manufacture unless we can make a clear distinction between emotional bliss and the sex toy novelty market, the development was finalised in 2009.

    My intentions are honourable and i would like to explain the current situation with you as i’m currently at a junction in my life and this will be my last attempt to financially support education and make a difference.

  2. Hi Paul,

    First of all you should know that I do not support PHYSICAL stimuli as the solution to women’s ‘problems’ with orgasm.

    First of all responsiveness (the ability to achieve orgasm) is a male characteristic. Male orgasm rewards a man for the reproductive act of ejaculation. Intercourse is an act of impregnation and is not aimed at providing female orgasm. The key feature of intercourse is that it provides easy male orgasm.

    Female orgasm arises during masturbation alone. This is when a woman can focus on her fantasies, undistracted by a male lover intent on intercourse. Sexual activity (of any kind) with a lover does not provide the PSYCHOLOGICAL stimuli that a woman needs for orgasm.

    If you read any of my work, you would appreciate that our goals are unlikely to be aligned. M&J simply assumed that women experienced orgasms during intercourse. Sadly this is not possible.

  3. I agree with everything you say and have never implied nor believe women orgasm through penetrative sex, the emotional bliss intimate massagers are designed to stimulate the orgasm platform which is external and not internal and you are the first person to state that M&J claims penetrative sex stimulates orgasm, my understanding is the opposite that is why the investment has been made to educate women about the orgasmic platform and dispel the stereotypical myths about the G-Spot.

    It is important for women to understand their own bodies and educate men that women are unable to achieve orgasm through penetrative sex.

  4. Paul,

    My own personal experience is that a woman does not orgasm with a partner through any means (even clitoral stimulation). It is the use of focused concentration on fantasy that makes orgasm possible through masturbation alone.

    Women are not aroused as men are either by the body/genitals of a partner nor in anticipation of sexual activity. If they were then women would enjoy pornography as much as men do.

    Physical stimulation is only a small part of achieving orgasm. Much the most important aspect of achieving orgasm is the arousal that precedes it. This is a psychological process not a physical one.

    I’m sorry but a vibrator has never done anything for me. Men also do not use a vibrator for orgasm, I notice. So I believe that women are mistaken about achieving orgasm this way. Kinsey pointed out that women often masturbate without ever achieving orgasm and that is my conclusion too.

    If women commonly masturbated to orgasm then they would empathise with men’s use of pornography because they would appreciate that anyone who masturbates must use some source of eroticism to achieve orgasm.

  5. I agree with 85% of what you are saying, masturbation is physical and my focus has been on stimulating the orgasmic platform with vibration and heat to work intuitively with the orgasmic platforms four phases. You are correct in you statement with the psychological aspect but without the physical connection there is no orgasm so you need both. You also have to consider the nerve ending deterioration which affects many women with diabetes, thyroid, menopausal and arthritis etc., but as I see it the fundamental issue is education, men believe women achieve orgasm with penetrative sex within 2-3 minutes which is ignorant when in reality a women requires a minimum of 15-20 minutes of continuous stimulation whilst connecting with themselves psychologically. A woman doesn’t need a man to connect with her sexual well-being nor does a man need a woman but its just sad that the majority of women think female sexual well-being is sex with their partner, so women continue to be misrepresented whilst men embrace their sexual well-being and are encouraged to do so.

    You also have to consider the mental benefits when embracing sexual well-being when the brain is stimulates with serotonin, dopamine and endorphins which are all used in anti-depressants, so men regularly embrace their well-being whilst women don’t which may explain why twice as many women use anti-depressants than men. Your brain produces these chemicals naturally but if women don’t stimulate their orgasmic platform to orgasm then the brain is not stimulated. Men rely on visual stimulation and 2-3minutes of friction whilst women are emotional and require 15-20minutes of physical and psychological stimulation but when women reache the fourth phase following the plateau she can continue to experience more orgasms when men need a period of rest before continuing.

    During the development we sold the products with a money back guarantee and received less than 1% return so I know with education and the correct level of stimulation women can achieve orgasm, and you are correct we do not manufacture a vibrator that achieves orgasm, so its not an orgasm in a box, it’s a device to address the physical aspects of the female body whilst the uses concentrates on the psychological aspects to achieve orgasm regardless of age or medical constraints.

  6. Hi Paul, The problem is that most women have no idea what an orgasm is.

    My experience is that it is 100% necessary to have a fantasy scenario that I can focus on. This has to be very explicit (focusing on the penis) and typically involves fellatio or penetrative sex.

    The stimulation is also very specific. I massage down over the hood of the clitoris in a rhythmic movement and as orgasm approaches I push down hard down into the soft tissue below the pubic bone. Simultaneously I clench my buttocks from behind and pressure the internal clitoral organ between my fingers and my pelvic muscles.

    No one taught me any of this. I move instinctively but it all hangs on what is going on in my mind. If I cannot find a fantasy scenario to get turned-on by then I just have to give up. Stimulation alone makes no difference.

    I always lie on my front and have my eyes closed. This helps focus on the fantasy. What is noticeable about all of this is that it essentially replicates the male role in intercourse: both the rhythmic thrusts and the tightening of the pelvic muscles. In my experience this is the only means by which female orgasm is possible.

    Responsiveness is a male characteristic, which is why most women never experience it. All the physical stimulation in the world is not going to help them orgasm. Responsiveness, like intelligence, is a characteristic we are born with (or not). Men are much more easily aroused and the penis has internal chambers that fill with blood to cause an erection.

    This process makes the penis much much more sensitive to stimulation. The clitoris is almost inert by comparison. I have only had clitoral erections during a 10 year period from 35 or so. But this stiffening of the clitoral organ was not associated with any erotic stimulation or arousal in the mind.

    This is the big hole for women. There are very few aspects of sex that are erotic to the female mind. I have to work very hard at creating a fantasy that works. Most women are disgusted by any form of eroticism so it’s very unlikely that they have ever had an orgasm.

    I can orgasm within a minute or two but often it takes much longer to get tuned into a fantasy that is going to work on that particular occasion. Once I am tuned in though I would say that Kinsey’s estimate of 4 minutes average is fairly close.

    I cannot see what a machine is going to do for anyone. I certainly have never found a vibrator remotely erotic. Neither do men it would seem. Women are told all these things work and so they are duped.

    If it keeps them happy then perhaps you are achieving something. But this has nothing to to with the erotic response that is called orgasm.

  7. Hello Jane,
    i have witnessed the significant benefits emotional bliss has to offer women and couples based on medically proven facts which is why i worked with Relate and the BASRT, i received many letters of support from women who thought there was something wrong with them when it was a lack of factual information and the correct level of stimulation they needed and now they feel complete.

    The heat and the additional vibration was developed for women who suffer from nerve ending degenerative illnesses such as diabetes, MS, menopausal and women who suffer from arthritis so whilst i agree with you on the psychological aspect you fail to recognise the physical connection with those women who are unable to self stimulate for longer periods of time due to age or medical constraints which is why i have pursued this project, I’m also a man so have been consistently criticised by both women and men for continuing this project but i believe women need to orgasm and if they rely on men then it is unlikely they do, for those women who understand and connect with their bodies their emotional well-being is by far greater than those women who do not. Men regularly masturbate so why don’t women, because society and the media categories female sexual well-being as a taboo so they are controlled by men, i disagree and have pursued this challenge by fighting against the norm based on factual medical evidence and commercial evidence.

    I believe women suffer mentally because they don’t orgasm otherwise women wouldn’t have an orgasmic platform, the problem is most women don’t know they have one and don’t understand the physical and mental stimulation benefits because of religion or outdated Victorian views, when men are encouraged to masturbate due to health reasons, i would suggest it is more important for women to masturbate than men based on the health implications alone.

  8. Sorry Paul. Responsiveness (the ability to orgasm) is not something you can give someone when they buy a product. Responsiveness originates in the brain as a psychological response to erotic scenarios. In men this response is immediate and natural. But most women are not responsive enough to ever achieve orgasm by any means. I don’t agree with you selling products that claim to give women orgasms.

    I’m sorry to disappoint you but you cannot define orgasm simply in terms of muscle spasms. Orgasm has to be defined as a response to eroticism. Women rarely respond to eroticism because they are not intended to orgasm. It is only men’s misguided understanding of women’s sexuality that continues this myth. I have been asking women about sex and orgasm for over 10 years. Very few are willing to make any comment. This has to tell you something. But apparently not…

  9. Hello Jane,

    That’s disappointing but not a surprise when reading your comments.

    We not only claim we provide sufficient stimulation to orgasm we guarantee it by offering our 30 day money back guarantee, use our intimate massager for 30days, if you are unable to orgasm then return for a full refund which is something you do not, also i think your approach is condescending which is ego based which in my experience causes more harm than good.This was an invitation to promote female sexual well being and help and support women based on education for both men and women but you fail to recognise the importance of what you advocate which is disappointing.

    I wish you all the very best for the future and for those women who are unable to orgasm ‘Jane’s Way” then perhaps you can recommend my product as an alternative as i’m more than confident most women are unable to organs by lying on their front whilst masturbating and thinking of penis’s.

  10. I’m not sure what men think women fantasise about if it isn’t the penis. Surely it’s natural for heterosexual women to admire male sexual attributes? I agree with you that most women would probably be very shocked by the suggestion but this is because they never experience orgasm.

    Orgasm is a response to eroticism that originates in the brain when an adult thinks about a scenario that turns them on – causes them to become aroused. It is only then that genital stimulation makes sense – that is if a person is intended to attempt orgasm.