Tracy Cox (author of ‘Hot Sex’ 1998) tells the story of a woman who welcomes her partner home wearing a sexy nightdress, with champagne by the bed and a pornographic movie ready to play. If she does this regularly over the longer term then I take my hat off to her!

Her partner is a very lucky man. More realistically such pampering to a man’s sexual fantasies is likely to be an occasional treat. Nevertheless, such episodes that live out men’s sexual fantasies can fuel male sexual arousal and enjoyment of more ‘bread-and-butter’ style sex for a while.

Fantasy style sex is likely to be occasional. If inventive sex happened every day of the week, it too would become the norm. Nevertheless, men still hope for this ideal of everyday fantasy sex.

While at college I had a dentist with a sense of humour. Once just before starting work he asked me cheerfully, with his drill raised, whether I had any last requests. “Not really, just be as quick as you can!” I replied. “That’s exactly what my wife always says to me!” he joked.

Men don’t want sex to be a chore that is ‘gotten over with’ as quickly as possible. Particularly, over the course of time a man hopes for his partner to be more engaged in enjoying their intimate time together than in the early years when he could carry the day with his own arousal.

The best female lovers learn to share eroticism

In the film ‘Ruthless People’ (1986) an older man hires a prostitute to have sex with him in the back of his car. He asks her to make as much noise as possible because his wife always lies there ‘like a gunny-sack’. The prostitute duly screams and moans so much that an onlooker (who admittedly is very stupid) mistakes the couple to be a murderer and his victim.

For men to enjoy sex they need to feed their sexual fantasies, which are most effective when based on their real sex life. Hence, men want to develop the variety, spontaneity and imagination of their relationship with a sexual partner. Men hope a lover will enhance their sexual arousal by engaging on their enjoyment of eroticism and by responding appreciatively.

“It isn’t the same for the two sexes because male turn-ons are concrete, while many female turn-ons are situational and atmospheric. … You can’t of course control your turn-ons any more than he can, but it helps if a woman has some male-type object reactions, like being excited by the sight of a penis, or hairy skin, or by the man stripping, or by physical kinds of play (just as it helps if the man has some sense of atmosphere). It’s the active woman who understands his reaction while keeping her own who is the ideal lover.” (p36 The Joy of Sex 1972)

Women make better lovers than men because they can put aside their own sexual arousal and focus wholeheartedly on pleasuring a man. Younger men especially are likely to have difficulty focusing on their partner’s arousal rather than their own.

Porn movies may show women pleasuring men but it’s important to recognise that they are being paid. If a man starts out more enthusiastic about sex then, over the longer-term, he needs to be willing to invest effort in pleasuring his woman.

I don’t like the taste of semen so I offer my partner fellatio just as a warm-up. A shared bath is a good venue for fellatio (starting with lathering his penis) when it can be combined with a gently probing finger in his anus. A man enjoys being licked over the tight skin holding his foreskin in place (uncircumcised). I also simulate intercourse by massaging his penis firmly with my lips (teeth well out of the way). Sometimes I take my partner’s penis as far back into my mouth as I can but this increases jaw-ache.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)


  1. It is all about exchange. If either the woman or the man is lying there just waiting on the other, disappointment is virtually guaranteed. You don’t “get” without giving. But you can’t give, sometimes, if you’re really not interested in the other person…for whatever the reason might be.

    Movies are all about our fantasies. Real life is never actually depicted and that means our expectations can sometimes get to be unrealistic.

    One can have sex with just about any other person, but a bond with that person is absolutely required if the act is to be satisfying, unless, that is, one of the participants happens to be a well-paid prostitute.

  2. This story is making the point that men don’t just hope for sex over the longer term. They hope for a lover who is positively enthusiastic about sex and willing to assist with their arousal. We all know that men find young women’s bodies arousing. But it is possible for a man to find other turn ons.

    Mistresses, for example, are often more experienced women. The attraction for the man is finding a woman who is open-minded about engaging on his fantasies and about exploring more adventurous sexual activities. There is a level of sexual intimacy that only comes from knowing a person well.

    When men are obsessing about young women’s bodies perhaps they should give a thought to what turns women on. Women have to work much harder at their own arousal than men ever do. This story also aims to get men thinking – what is the parallel for women? How does a man assist with his partner’s arousal during sex?