Ways Women Orgasm

Intercourse does not facilitate female orgasm

Men’s sexual arousal is usually easy, which gives them a natural advantage. As a consequence, while men can usually hope for orgasm from their sexual encounters, most women have to settle for the more diffused sensations of sexual arousal.

“Sex is a very different experience for women and men. A man experiences pleasure primarily as a release of sexual tension. A woman experiences sex in an opposite way. For her, the great joys of sex correspond to a gradual build up of tension. … A man’s immediate desire to touch and be touched in his sensitive zones is a given. He does not need much help in getting excited. He needs help in releasing or letting go of this excitement. In a sense, he seeks to end his excitement, while a woman seeks to extend her excitement to feel more deeply her inner longing.” (p27 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)

Love and romance make a woman amenable to a sexual relationship but do not by themselves create orgasm. Over time, a man needs to offer some sensual pleasuring focused on his partner’s sexual arousal so that sex holds some rewards for her.

After all, not many men would be happy about not having orgasms with intercourse…

Women need other compensations for sex

Sex is much more straightforward and easily pleasurable for men. Women’s sexual experiences are more difficult to interpret especially given the belief that it is ‘natural’ for a woman to reach orgasm with a partner regardless of the facts.

“Although there has been some disagreement in the past as to whether the absence of coital orgasms without accompanying manual clitoral stimulation is an abnormality per se, most sexologists today have concluded that this is not the case. … This distinction is often of little solace to a woman who is unhappy about not having orgasms with intercourse, however, even if she is vehemently reassured that she is completely normal.” (p587 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)

For a long time, I found it difficult to interpret this advice. Initially I was outraged at the implication that women are happy settling for emotional (as opposed to physical) pleasure from their sex life. Orgasm may not be the critical goal for women that it typically is for men but any woman who is familiar with orgasm from masturbation, questions why sex does not lead to orgasm.

Apparently, some couples have the ‘problem’ that the woman can only orgasm from intercourse with additional manual stimulation of her clitoris. Many men are unhappy with this because they believe that a woman should orgasm simply from thrusting. Women also feel inadequate because they feel that manual clitoral stimulation is ‘cheating’.

Couples need to be much more realistic about expectations for female orgasm. Men need direct penile stimulation for orgasm so it is only reasonable that a woman will need at least as much clitoral stimulation (which intercourse does not provide).

It is often implied (wrongly) that a woman can orgasm as easily as men do via other means with a partner e.g. oral sex or mutual masturbation. Yet experts I have talked to have admitted that a woman is lucky if she finds even one way to orgasm.

Given the fact that women do not enjoy orgasm as easily through sex as men do, women settle for emotional intimacy over sexual arousal and the sensual pleasures of erotic massage. This does not mean that women do not hope to reach orgasm in general but that they accept that it is difficult to achieve through sex with a partner. This has certainly been my experience.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)

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9 comments for “Intercourse does not facilitate female orgasm

  1. Tony G.
    September 22, 2017 at 6:06 am

    Jane,

    I have found your article spot on. I am trying to learn about why females are the way they are sexually. I have been married for 24 years and since we had kids 16.5 years ago my wife has ZERO…and I mean ZERO interest in any intimacy with me. We were having sex about 16-24 times a year. But, now it has been 22.5 months since she has even touched me. Not even a hand hold. I try and promote even sitting in the couch together cuddling and she isn’t even interested in doing that. I am 47 and have a very high sex drive and I feel like it is like it is a curse. My wife is very attractive but she just doesn’t like me. I bet over our 24 years of marriage she has rejected me over 3000 times. I have tried everything….I am at my wit’s end. Any suggestions ?

    Thank you!

  2. Jane
    September 22, 2017 at 7:29 am

    First – back off completely from physical contact. Second – be (very subtly) admiring of other women by looking more than saying anything. Third – invest in your relationship. This means look at your wife as you did the first time you met her. Court her. But not too obviously or by being too clingy. Most importantly be interested in listening to her and have something intelligent to say in reply. Lastly look at your own image. A woman wants to be able to admire a man. So often men invest in their careers & impressing their colleagues. Make sure you’re not always too tired to bother to have anything interesting to discuss with your wife. Women relate to people through the wider relationship. They see men as simply taking through sex. So you have to earn it first!

  3. Tony G.
    September 22, 2017 at 8:48 am

    Thanks for the information.
    *I have been not in physical contact for months..it drives me crazy that she has zero interest in me. I am in very good shape…so that can’t be a reason.
    *Because of the lack of her interest in me I eyes have been wondering unfortunately. I was just at an weekend event and I had two women that were single ask me if I was single and I said no…and they said darn..I was flattered.
    I do try to talk with her about daily things and children issues. We have 16 year old triplets and a 13 year old.
    My issue is that I have a no so tidy home office, garage and under the house. Which I know I need to clean up and get rid of alot of stuff which has added up over the 20 years we have been in our house. So that is a major turn off for her.
    She thinks that I do not have good parenting skills. I do my best. I think I am a great parent. I am super active with my kids. I have coached all most of their sports since they were 5 years old. I know I can always do better and I try. She is just so negative and critical of me. Yes just doesn’t like me unfortunately and it eats at me.
    For example when I was out of town for business last week and I came home she said within 30 minutes of me being home that she wished I didn’t come home because we where disagreeing about something. So that didnt make me feel so good to say the least.
    She says these things in front of the kids also which makes it worse for me.
    Thank you for your words of wisdom.
    Tony

  4. Jane
    September 22, 2017 at 10:18 am

    Have you talked about divorce? I mean why is she with you? Are you and is she willing to go to counselling? If neither of you wants to change anything then what value is there left in the marriage? I don’t personally believe in just putting up with what marriage has to offer. It’s not a jail sentence. Marriage is about two people enjoying each other’s company & hopefully sharing some form of intimacy & happiness together. Neither of you is happy. Do you go away for weekends together – spend time doing something companionable like walking or cooking a meal?

  5. Tony G.
    September 22, 2017 at 11:46 am

    It is crazy Jane. She will not even let me see her naked. Goes into the closet to change. If I put my arm or hand on her she says don’t touch me or thank you that is enough. I give good massages without an strings attached and she doesn’t want those from me. It is mind boggling. If I put my arm around her in bed and she will say no thank you and if I keep my arm around her she says that is why I hate you.
    It feels like a jail sentence. I was going to leave her 2 years ago and she found that this one lady liked me and she apologized and said she was sorry and she changed for 3 months and it was crazy we probably had sex 100 to 120 times in those 12p days. She was ready anytime and anywhere and she promoted it. Then she went cold turkey with me in July of 2015 and said nothing changed with me about a cleaner office and garage etc and said that she was interested in me and I didnt do anything for her.
    And about counselling I have promoted it time after time. We have went to 3 different counselors over the last 15 years or so and they all side with me. She is a difficult one. Her mom and dad had a rocky relationship. Married, divorced and then remarried together and tell everyone that 48 years and really it had been a total of 45…either way that is another story.
    And I promote the walking and cooking and she isn’t interested. I promote weekends and she isn’t interested. She doesn’t promote date nights . She just likes watching TV and being on Facebook or Instagram.

  6. Jane
    September 22, 2017 at 2:14 pm

    All sounds very strange to me. Why do you want to continue with the relationship? Wouldn’t it be better to find someone who does find you attractive? You have obviously done something to majorly turn her off over the years. Are you sure she hasn’t explained? I find men can be a bit thick-skinned sometimes. A woman wants a man to be romantic – tuned into the more emotional side of relationships. You need to take her out. Spend money on her & make her feel special. Instead of talking about the kids, you should ask her about her interests, her goals & things that interest her personally. Couples grow apart & then have nothing in common. Some people find a new hobby to share like line-dancing, rambling or whatever. You need to rebuild your relationship before you can hope to have sex.

  7. Tony G.
    September 22, 2017 at 4:03 pm

    I totally agree! Heck I just want a hand hold ;). I bring her flowers and when we did go out to dinner it would be with one of our kids. And if we did go out to dinner in the past all she would take about is the kids and what we need to do with the house. I did find out about 4 or 5 years ago after knowing her for 23 years that she was sexually abused by her Uncle that is about 5 years older than her. It occurred when she was 8 to 13ish. So she kept that secretive for 23 years and it came out bc he sexually abused one of his adopted daughter’s and then my wife told me and her parents about it.
    I don’t want to break up the family but I can’t keep living this way.
    Everything you say I totally believe in and have done but I am not successful. I am a successful business man and it is so frustrating when I can’t have a successful marriage. But it takes two and you can’t push a rope. She never promotes anything for us to do together. The only thing we do together is eat a meal with the kids, watch their sports they are competing in and going to church. And that is it. I want a deeper relationship with her.
    I was with a company 1.5 years ago that I worked for 23 years and I won their Presidents Club trip every year and they would take us to these $600 to $700 a night resorts in Mexico and the Dominician and there she would open up and have fun and out of 5 days there we would have sex 1 or 2 times if I promoted it. She never did promote it. But it was like she had to be away from the house to have fun and or have sex with me.
    I will try again all of the things you suggested and see what happens.
    If you thing of anything else please let me know. I have enjoyed reading your articles.
    The funny thing is that I love to give my wife oral sex and she things it is gross. The only time she didn’t think is was gross was when for those 3 months she went Porn star on me. She also thinks that if I pat her on the butt that is it demeaning to her. And of course she doesn’t like giving me oral sex which of course I love….that was when we did have sex. The only time she was wanting to give me oral sex was during those 3 months 2 years ago. I was so happy then and she was to and then she went cold turkey on me. Also during that time my daughter that is 13 now was like mom what happened to you and all over Dad all the time. The kids notice….
    What has turned her off is that I haven’t went thru with closing in our garage and building a new larger garage. And then making sure that my office and garage is perfectly tidy. Those are the issues. I ask her to help me organize those areas and she says you do it. So I need to clean up those areas and get rid of alot of stuff that isn’t being used and she if she comes around. I will say that a couple of my friends wives have told me for years that I need to leave her bc of the way she treats me. I am so scared bc of the kids and dividing up the money and if I would have to pay allomony. But I want my happiness back. I am such a different person when I am not around her.

  8. Jane
    September 22, 2017 at 6:34 pm

    Well, I think the garage thing is just an excuse. No one has a perfect garage. Tidying it together would be a great bonding exercise. I still find it strange that she should be so miserable for no good reason. There’s more to this. Many people are afraid of change but you only get once chance in life. You should at least try to meet other women & then if you find someone …

  9. Tony G.
    September 22, 2017 at 7:50 pm

    She says that is it. Oh and that I don’t fix things fast enough or they don’t get fixed. But I am married. Who can I do that will a good conscious….and when the female asks are you married and I sat yes…
    And I agree that it is an excuse
    I always thought you had someone on the side…but I don’t think she does.
    And she will not help me….she says you can do it
    And thank you for thinking I am not crazy…

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