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Spice up your sex life

A young woman, who had promised her father that she would remain a virgin until a certain age, complied with his request by having anal sex with her partners (Note: STD protection and contraceptives still required).

Unsurprisingly, she was very popular with men who tend not to be so hung-up about breaking sexual taboos. To be fair though – we expect more of women.

There is no such thing as a male slut, no matter how ‘wantonly’ a man behaves. Some women do explore sexual pleasure but there are many unflattering terms for women who are sexually adventurous.

A strong argument against anal sex is that it is not ‘natural’. Unfortunately ‘natural sex’ is usually defined in terms of reproduction rather than sexual pleasure. Looked at another way, the very fact that the anal area is an erogenous zone means that Nature designed it that way.

It is society that tells us to place moral restrictions on how we enjoy sexual pleasure even with a consenting partner. Seriously though, can you imagine a sex life based on vaginal intercourse alone over a life-time? No wonder couples stop having sex – boredom alone would kill anyone’s sexual desire.

“Since intercourse has been defined as the basic form of sexuality, and the only natural, healthy and moral form of physical contact, it has automatically been assumed that this is when women should orgasm.” (p42 The Hite Reports 1993)

Many women experience a lack of arousal during sex because sex is not designed to facilitate female orgasm, either physically or psychologically.

Sexual pleasure at any price

Men’s drive to enjoy their sexuality is stronger than women’s and so they are able to push aside any qualms about what is ‘proper’ more easily than we can. Men might have difficulty understanding this limitation but then they are not usually the ones compromised by sex. They are also more prone to opt for sexual pleasure at any price. A woman told me that a gay friend had to wear a tampon in his rectum because the sphincter muscle around his anus had become loose from over indulgence.

As with all good things, moderation is key! Em & Lo suggest in ‘The Big Bang’ (2004) that anal sex can even lead to a healthier awareness of the anal area. Nina Hartley, who runs sex clinics in the US, also deals sensitively with this topic in erotic movies.

“… with enough relaxation, communication, lubrication and TLC, anal sex can actually strengthen your sphincter muscles.” (p80 The Big Bang 2004)

Our enjoyment of sexual pleasure will always depend to some degree on our willingness to indulge our sexual fantasies as well as to explore our own sexuality and our sexual relationship with a lover. Ultimately we each need to find our own personal balance between reconciling our moral beliefs and enjoying our sexual experiences.

Heterosexual women need to come out of the closet over sex. Sex by its very nature cannot be pure. The most taboo concepts are likely to be the most arousing. Sexual fantasies are all very well but liberated women (if they are also sexually motivated) need to start admitting which sexual activities they find most effective for enjoying sexual arousal with a partner.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)