Slowly attitudes to sexual pleasure are changing and more couples are approaching their sex life with a willingness to try activities other than vaginal intercourse.

Basically, if you are struggling with lack of arousal during sex and genuinely want to share your own arousal with a partner then you will need to be prepared to explore activities other than intercourse.

Make a special effort once in a while to spice up your sex life. This brings welcome variety for men as well as the opportunity for a couple to explore whether more explicit clitoral stimulation might increase the woman’s arousal and even lead to orgasm. For example, many women who explore sexual pleasure with a partner find that oral sex is how they enjoy their best orgasms.

“There is no reason why physical intimacy with men should always consist of ‘foreplay’ followed by intercourse and male orgasm; and there is no reason why intercourse must be part of heterosexual sex.” (p34 The Hite Reports 1993)

The pre-orgasmic woman (who can orgasm only during masturbation alone) faces a unique dilemma because of the difficulty she may have in trying to reconcile a sexual relationship without orgasm.

Presumably, with oral sex becoming more accepted, couples are content when the woman can climax in this way. But perhaps even for these women there is a similar problem if a couple still feels that ideally orgasms should result from intercourse.

One advantage of vaginal intercourse, when combined with a face-to-face position, is that it allows for the loving aspects of sexual relationships. Equally, for many people, penetration is the greatest turn-on because it symbolises the ultimate act of intimacy with another person. Another form of sex play, that is highly taboo especially for women, is anal sex.

If a woman is open-minded and has a sensitive lover then anal stimulation/penetration combined with clitoral stimulation is likely to lead to orgasm. As with vaginal fisting, a professional lubricant from a sex shop and plenty of time to TAKE THINGS SLOWLY are critical. Try the book by the young American women: Em & Lo called ‘The Big Bang’ (2004) on both of these.

“Anal intercourse: This is something which nearly every couple tries once. A few stay with it, usually because the woman finds that it gives her more intense feelings than the normal route and it is pleasantly tight for the man.” (p118 The Joy of Sex 1972)

Alex Comfort (author of ‘Joy of Sex’) was perhaps a little optimistic about the sexual adventurousness of the average couple. I would be amazed if it were proven that ‘nearly every couple’ tries anal sex. If it doesn’t appeal then it’s not likely to be very arousing. Given the inertness of the vagina, anal sex is simply one suggestion that may provide more sensation for the woman.

Heterosexuals, confident of the moral weight of society behind them, often condemn anal sex. Personally I am not tempted by ‘filching’ but so what? It is inappropriate to be judgmental about activities that consenting adults may find pleasurable.

Women’s rejection of suggestions for how they might enjoy sexual pleasure is yet more evidence that women have to make a more conscious choice to learn about how their sexual arousal works. Many women are unfamiliar with their own sexual arousal and so they have no motivation to even try activities (including masturbation and oral sex) that may lead to orgasm.

One of the unfortunate consequences of the sexual revolution was to imply that all of a sudden women were transformed from what they were before (presumably just ordinary women – wives, housewives and mothers) into fully motivated sexual beings.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)


  1. Jane,

    My wife and I (my age 45) ( her age 47) really enjoy the 69 position. I was told by a female marriage counselor that if a man won’t put his mouth on his lovers genitals he isn’t really in love with her. It validates her. I have always done this in 14 years of marriage. She really enjoys it. I was very nervous at first because I didn’t know if she this was wrong? I want my lover to look at me as a gentleman. My wife likes to swallow my semen when I climax during the 69. I love the way she tastes too. Do other couples enjoy this too? Is this a normal way to love each other?

    We still have intercourse too. We use oral sex to draw us closer. I had the initial concerns because I had no idea if women thought this was immoral.

    I think you should have some articles on men and how they view themselves sexually with women. Do women think they are gross? or immoral? If more women took a lover’s hand and told them they were open to some of these things, I think sexual problems would be diminished.


  2. Thanks, Cliff. My site promotes the idea that between consenting adults any sexual activity that is mutually enjoyable is OK. I personally have never been able to get anything out of receiving oral sex but I know that many women find this the best way of enjoying orgasm. Frankly it seems to me that many women never learn how to enjoy sex with a partner by any means so you and your wife have been lucky. I have tried to present male sexuality in a couple of stories (under ‘Understanding men’). The site is not intended to be erotic but mainly informative. Glad you liked the site. Kind regards, Jane

  3. Jane,

    Thank you for your positive feedback. We have a couple that we do things with socially about once per month. Men generally don’t talk about specific sexual things with their buddies. However, women sometimes do discuss different sexual subjects with their girl buddies. My wife and her pal talked recently about the subject of anal sex. This couple decided to try anal sex about 18 months ago. They really love it. She told my wife she has NEVER been this close to any man in her life. Complete turn on! She thinks it may have saved their marriage. She told my wife that she now craves or lusts for him. It brought unbelievable excitement back into their marriage. Things are not stale around the house. She is now wearing sexy things around the house etc..she wants complete attention from her husband. She is getting that and more. They have been married for 17 years. Her girlfriend said they don’t use a condom. She told my wife when her husband cums, ” she is completely aroused” and climaxes real hard! She feels completely filled up. She told my wife it’s better then vaginal sex. Is this true??

    She told my wife to try this too. My wife is very eager to try anal sex. She thinks it will bring new excitement to our marriage. My worry is this, Is there such a thing as TOO MUCH physical lust between a man and woman that isn’t healthy physically or emotionally?? Is anal sex a poor reflection on the character of the man or women?? I have a feeling we will get very aroused doing this. Have you ever had any women who enjoy anal sex tell you they feel any guilt or shame toward the man they did it with?? I just don’t want my wife to hold this against me for any reason. My wife has me listed in her mind as a real gentleman. I don’t bring Playboy or other magazines like that in my house. I am very turned on to women. I don’t want my thoughts to get carried away.

    Any suggestions here?


  4. Not everyone is able to find anal sex arousing – this is the toilet association that so often comes into sex. However, despite the taboo many women find the concept of anal sex arousing and some heterosexual couples try it and even stick with it over time.

    My experience has been that I can’t feel my partner’s penis inside my vagina. This is due to the fact that the vagina (as part of the birth canal) has very little sensitivity. As long as I am relaxed enough and my partner is able to take a sensitive enough approach (time and patience) then anal sex allows a woman to feel penetrated because you can really feel your partner’s penis moving inside you (every thrust).

    I can’t imagine how there can ever be too much physical lust between a man and a woman. We are all so embarrassed about sex, even men, but often women hope that her partner will take the initiative and suggest a greater variety of sex play. Vaginal intercourse alone gets very boring after a decade with the same partner.

    The subject of anal sex is not open enough yet for anyone to say whether a woman might harbour grudges against a man who has offered it. I would think it unlikely but obviously you need good communication throughout. With zero communication it would be possible for the woman to change her mind half-way or to find the experience unpleasant, which would be a shame. The greatest danger is that a man is not patient enough to take time – as much as a few sessions to build up to anal sex. Start with a gently probing finger in her anus during vaginal intercourse and TAKE YOUR TIME! Women are usually highly sensitive to hygiene so bathe, use a towel and lots of lube.