Slowly attitudes to sexual pleasure are changing and more couples are approaching their sex life with a willingness to try activities other than vaginal intercourse.

Basically, if you are struggling with lack of arousal during sex and genuinely want to share your own arousal with a partner then you will need to be prepared to explore activities other than intercourse.

Make a special effort once in a while to spice up your sex life. This brings welcome variety for men as well as the opportunity for a couple to explore whether more explicit clitoral stimulation might increase the woman’s arousal and even lead to orgasm. For example, many women who explore sexual pleasure with a partner find that oral sex is how they enjoy their best orgasms.

“There is no reason why physical intimacy with men should always consist of ‘foreplay’ followed by intercourse and male orgasm; and there is no reason why intercourse must be part of heterosexual sex.” (p34 The Hite Reports 1993)

The pre-orgasmic woman (who can orgasm only during masturbation alone) faces a unique dilemma because of the difficulty she may have in trying to reconcile a sexual relationship without orgasm.

Presumably, with oral sex becoming more accepted, couples are content when the woman can climax in this way. But perhaps even for these women there is a similar problem if a couple still feels that ideally orgasms should result from intercourse.

One advantage of vaginal intercourse, when combined with a face-to-face position, is that it allows for the loving aspects of sexual relationships. Equally, for many people, penetration is the greatest turn-on because it symbolises the ultimate act of intimacy with another person. Another form of sex play, that is highly taboo especially for women, is anal sex.

If a woman is open-minded and has a sensitive lover then anal stimulation/penetration combined with clitoral stimulation is likely to lead to orgasm. As with vaginal fisting, a professional lubricant from a sex shop and plenty of time to TAKE THINGS SLOWLY are critical. Try the book by the young American women: Em & Lo called ‘The Big Bang’ (2004) on both of these.

“Anal intercourse: This is something which nearly every couple tries once. A few stay with it, usually because the woman finds that it gives her more intense feelings than the normal route and it is pleasantly tight for the man.” (p118 The Joy of Sex 1972)

Alex Comfort (author of ‘Joy of Sex’) was perhaps a little optimistic about the sexual adventurousness of the average couple. I would be amazed if it were proven that ‘nearly every couple’ tries anal sex. If it doesn’t appeal then it’s not likely to be very arousing. Given the inertness of the vagina, anal sex is simply one suggestion that may provide more sensation for the woman.

Heterosexuals, confident of the moral weight of society behind them, often condemn anal sex. Personally I am not tempted by ‘filching’ but so what? It is inappropriate to be judgmental about activities that consenting adults may find pleasurable.

Women’s rejection of suggestions for how they might enjoy sexual pleasure is yet more evidence that women have to make a more conscious choice to learn about how their sexual arousal works. Many women are unfamiliar with their own sexual arousal and so they have no motivation to even try activities (including masturbation and oral sex) that may lead to orgasm.

One of the unfortunate consequences of the sexual revolution was to imply that all of a sudden women were transformed from what they were before (presumably just ordinary women – wives, housewives and mothers) into fully motivated sexual beings.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)

10 COMMENTS

  1. I’m happy to tell you my experience!!!!
    I agree – It’s amazing how misinformed the world is on female sexuality and orgasm. Porn has been the demise of accurate depictions of female sexuality. Don’t get me wrong – I enjoy porn! But it has absolutely shaped so much of what I thought was true
    For so long I thought I was “broken” because I could only orgasm via masturbation solo or with a partner. Once in my life a man was able to manually stimulate me to the point of orgasm but I was 15/16 years old!
    Since then it’s been my hand or a vibrator ONLY – although I can do it in front of/with my husband. I’m also on medication that most likely inhibits my arousal cycle

  2. A vibrator does not provide the right kind of stimulation for orgasm. Female masturbation emulates the male role in intercourse. Women only orgasm because of having the same anatomy as a man. There is a rhythmic thrusting of the hips & the buttocks are clenched to pressure the internal organ. Using a vibrator is incompatible with this instinctive thrusting & massaging activity.
    But more importantly a woman needs a total mental focus on fantasy. This only occurs during masturbation alone. Quite impossible with a lover. Women are desperate to say they have orgasms but this is a male belief that orgasm is easy. Hence all the ignorance and confusion.

  3. I can have an orgasm with a vibrator or my hand. Never from penetration.
    My husband can perform the right mechanics on my vulva/clitoris but my head is too noisy to relax and orgasm. We’re working on it
    And I’m probably one of the few women who has never faked an orgasm. I refuse to give a man that credit, to be honest.
    It also can take me MUCH longer to orgasm when I’m with my husband versus alone because I can think about whatever I want and not feel pressure or any guilt/shame
    As for my arousal, it’s far beyond just a man and woman having sex. That’s not fantasy to me – that’s reality. My turn ons are more “taboo” and not something I’ve ever done before
    That’s what makes it exciting

  4. But orgasm relies on specific & explicit aspects of eroticism. That’s very general. I don’t think you are faking but many women mistake all sorts of sensations for orgasm. Orgasm relies 100% on explicit sexual fantasy – not romantic or social fantasies. We need to focus on explicit genital action. There is intense pressure on women to say they have orgasms. But female orgasm is achieved in very narrow circumstances. Women are not aroused with a lover.

  5. Two men and me, sometime picturing another woman with my husband and I (I’m not interested in women but watching her with him)
    Swingers, wife swap, same room sex with another couple.
    For me, novelty is crucial. It can’t be something I’m currently doing. So simply me watching my husband go down on me or have sex with me can’t get me aroused enough to orgasm. It’s very sexy to watch but for me to orgasm the mental arousal needs to be intense and out of the ordinary

  6. Science has to stand up to questioning. The clitoris was unheard of until Kinsey revealed its role in female masturbation (alone). Most heterosexual couples still assume that women should orgasm through intercourse. How would it be possible for women & their lovers not to know about the clitoris if it works reliably with a lover? There’s no ego – just a desire to discuss the topic openly & logically.

  7. I can ONLY orgasm with clitoral stimulation and it takes a while sometimes.
    I can only tell you what I experience. I’ve had an orgasm with my hand rubbing my clitoris as well as a vibrator pushed up against my clitoris. There has to be pressure on my clitoris with the vibrator.
    I often have to pull back the hood slightly once I’m in the plateau phase. It’s often the top of my vulva always including the clitoris obviously
    I don’t understand women who say they orgasm via penetration. I feel like that’s anatomically impossible without any clitoral stimulation
    I’m not offended. I’m just out of things to tell you. I am very comfortable with masturbation and my own orgasm and never doubt that I have one. My orgasm from my fingers feels the same as the vibrator. If you’re convinced that’s impossible, then I really am at a loss as to how to best help you with your research.

  8. That’s the glans. But the corpora cavernosa are within the internal organ. I find women are often convinced they have orgasms every which way. But the facts don’t stack up. Why do you think something works for you that definitely doesn’t work for me? I mean no way! Not even close.
    Fingers & vibrator do not feel the same. Fingers do not vibrate.

  9. No but the orgasm they both cause feels the same for me. For me it’s really just me being lazy and using the vibrator instead of my fingers to stimulate my clitoris. I’m not sure how to explain the vibrator and my orgasms scientifically other than I orgasm from the deeper vibrations that act as much quicker “finger rubs”I can orgasm from both.

    Never have I EVER orgasmed from penetration alone. I have sex with my husband because it feels good and I enjoy getting him to climax. Neither of us ever expect me to have an orgasm from sex – ever.

    I agree that mental arousal is crucial. That’s why it’s been difficult for me to have a man give me an orgasm alone. Much easier to masturbate when I don’t have mental blocks. I could stimulate myself all day but I’d my head isn’t in the right space then nothing will happen. I don’t stimulate myself all day, I am just proving a point that without the mental focus, I could never orgasm.

    I have to be honest. I told you how I orgasm and you essentially told me that it’s impossible. I can understand why women may be put off by that.

  10. I am questioning the logic. You understand the need for logic? I am also questioning the facts. It’s not that I don’t believe you. It’s just I think you are mistaken. If you were truly interested then you would engage on some of the detailed issues involved. The glans is only the tip of the sex organ. Men massage the blood flow within the shaft of the penis. The key though is psychological arousal. Orgasm is not about applying physical stimulation. Orgasm occurs in the brain. The quality of an orgasm depends on the erotic fantasy involved. It has nothing to do with the kind of stimulation.

    My work involves providing rational explanations for women’s sexuality. Saying that women respond to a gadget that was invented after 200,000 years of homo sapiens history is difficult to explain. The stimulation of a vibrator replicates nothing that occurs in Nature. So how could women respond to this kind of stimulation? It makes no sense. But as I said, stimulation is much less important than mental arousal & stimulating the correct anatomy. I have to close my eyes to focus on fantasy. That takes the longest time. I only masturbate a few times a month. Responsiveness seems to build up over time. So not sure about masturbating all day long.

    One woman can claim anything – I get it all the time. The challenge is explaining these claims. So far women who talk of orgasm only seem to be looking for some kind of validation. They have no interest in talking about any other aspect of sexuality. They also do not talk about sexual pleasure or erotic turn-ons. They appear to be intent to justifying their orgasms.