I always enjoyed sharing physical intimacy with a lover but this is very different to achieving my own sexual arousal. I always knew that true sexual arousal was missing because I was familiar with orgasm from the very first time that I had sex. Very few women discover female masturbation so early in their life.

From the very early days, I appreciated the sensual aspects of sex:

  • Marvelling at the responsiveness of my lover’s penis and his erection;
  • Enjoying the different feel of hairy skin;
  • The intimacy of full-on kissing;
  • The sensuality of nudity; and
  • The concept of penetration.

My partners enjoyed being affectionate through touching and kissing. Naturally, they have appreciated me returning a similar level of physical fondling of their body. Thereafter the follow through to intercourse and male orgasm was from their perspective an inevitable conclusion to close physical intimacy with someone they loved.

I accepted this and did not withdraw my affection even though I did not personally want sex on each occasion. I have put effort into responding sensually and lovingly because I knew that it would pleasure my partner. My partners have always been quick to become noticeably aroused so learning how to pleasure a man was an easy way to demonstrate my love for him.

Men approach sex already mentally aroused and so they tend to take this aspect of sex for granted. Physical stimulation only works if you are already aroused in your mind (a man needs an erection before he can orgasm). Women might talk about feeling horny but this is more likely to indicate that they are amenable to sex than that they are just about to orgasm.

Men experience spontaneous sexual arousal as a result of testosterone (the hormone responsible for sex drive) and by seeing a woman’s body. Women have neither of these benefits. Women’s sexual arousal has to be consciously generated.

Researchers have known for decades that clitoral stimulation helps with female orgasm but if a lack of clitoral stimulation during intercourse were the only issue involved then why do so many men and women ask about female orgasm? Surely couples would simply try other means of providing clitoral stimulation e.g. by hand or mouth and the problem would be solved?

The popular suggestion that women are too timid to ask for, and men too clueless to provide, the necessary clitoral stimulation during sex is patronising to the modern sexually adventurous couple. My partner and I have been very happy to try almost anything over the years. Right from day one I tried oral sex, masturbation with a partner, positions for intercourse etc.

Nothing worked and, in particular, I have never found clitoral stimulation with a partner (either manual or through oral sex) arousing enough for orgasm. Many years later I have realised that clitoral stimulation only works during masturbation because I use sexual fantasies first to achieve the necessary arousal required for genital stimulation to lead to orgasm.

“Many women wonder if their lack of orgasms is due to some underlying emotional or psychological problem. However, this is usually not the case at all. Frequently, not having an orgasm is simply due to unfavourable circumstances, or lack of understanding about how to achieve personal sexual pleasure.” (p13 Dictionary of Sexual Terms 1992)

But what if female orgasm happens most naturally during masturbation alone? Frustratingly, it would seem that women are described as ‘dysfunctional’ (or inhibited) simply because they do not respond sexually as men do.

Porn movies are good for getting turned on to sex with a partner but do not help me achieve orgasm during female masturbation. I have found (post 35 when my clit has become less sensitive) that my partner can stimulate me much more effectively with his fingers. Penetration is nice, conceptually, but the vagina has few nerve endings – it is, after all, the birth canal.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)


  1. You know what in Pakistan most of women even don’t know what the orgasm is like and can’t even have this experience through their life. I mean they can’t get discharge….to one of the lady i asked about the orgasm and she was like ,what’s that?and when i explained to her she was so surprised and then later i helped her get discharged even on the phone when i taought her techniques. And from that day till now she is addicted …she revealed that her husband can’t discharge her even though when they are making love in real life……

  2. Intercourse does not cause female orgasm. Women orgasm by masturbating alone. Women often mistake orgasm because they have no idea what it is. Most of the stories you hear are male fantasies. Your lady friend is not having an orgasm just by talking to you.

  3. No she masturbate while talking on phone and finally get discharged …i told her techniques to touch and rub her clitor while talking to me on the phone and we start making love on the phone..we start kissing each other and have sex in the imagination…it’s really amazing for both of us and we have never met in person

    I tell her on the phone that i am kissing you here and there…i lick her closing my eyes….imagination and licking sound…we both scream on the phone…she enjoys my screaming and i enjoy her screaming