I always enjoyed sharing physical intimacy with a lover but this is very different to achieving my own sexual arousal. I always knew that true sexual arousal was missing because I was familiar with orgasm from the very first time that I had sex. Very few women discover female masturbation so early in their life.

From the very early days, I appreciated the sensual aspects of sex:

  • Marvelling at the responsiveness of my lover’s penis and his erection;
  • Enjoying the different feel of hairy skin;
  • The intimacy of full-on kissing;
  • The sensuality of nudity; and
  • The concept of penetration.

My partners enjoyed being affectionate through touching and kissing. Naturally, they have appreciated me returning a similar level of physical fondling of their body. Thereafter the follow through to intercourse and male orgasm was from their perspective an inevitable conclusion to close physical intimacy with someone they loved.

I accepted this and did not withdraw my affection even though I did not personally want sex on each occasion. I have put effort into responding sensually and lovingly because I knew that it would pleasure my partner. My partners have always been quick to become noticeably aroused so learning how to pleasure a man was an easy way to demonstrate my love for him.

Men approach sex already mentally aroused and so they tend to take this aspect of sex for granted. Physical stimulation only works if you are already aroused in your mind (a man needs an erection before he can orgasm). Women might talk about feeling horny but this is more likely to indicate that they are amenable to sex than that they are just about to orgasm.

Men experience spontaneous sexual arousal as a result of testosterone (the hormone responsible for sex drive) and by seeing a woman’s body. Women have neither of these benefits. Women’s sexual arousal has to be consciously generated.

Researchers have known for decades that clitoral stimulation helps with female orgasm but if a lack of clitoral stimulation during intercourse were the only issue involved then why do so many men and women ask about female orgasm? Surely couples would simply try other means of providing clitoral stimulation e.g. by hand or mouth and the problem would be solved?

The popular suggestion that women are too timid to ask for, and men too clueless to provide, the necessary clitoral stimulation during sex is patronising to the modern sexually adventurous couple. My partner and I have been very happy to try almost anything over the years. Right from day one I tried oral sex, masturbation with a partner, positions for intercourse etc.

Nothing worked and, in particular, I have never found clitoral stimulation with a partner (either manual or through oral sex) arousing enough for orgasm. Many years later I have realised that clitoral stimulation only works during masturbation because I use sexual fantasies first to achieve the necessary arousal required for genital stimulation to lead to orgasm.

“Many women wonder if their lack of orgasms is due to some underlying emotional or psychological problem. However, this is usually not the case at all. Frequently, not having an orgasm is simply due to unfavourable circumstances, or lack of understanding about how to achieve personal sexual pleasure.” (p13 Dictionary of Sexual Terms 1992)

But what if female orgasm happens most naturally during masturbation alone? Frustratingly, it would seem that women are described as ‘dysfunctional’ (or inhibited) simply because they do not respond sexually as men do.

Porn movies are good for getting turned on to sex with a partner but do not help me achieve orgasm during female masturbation. I have found (post 35 when my clit has become less sensitive) that my partner can stimulate me much more effectively with his fingers. Penetration is nice, conceptually, but the vagina has few nerve endings – it is, after all, the birth canal.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)

5 COMMENTS

  1. Hi i have a sexual problem can I ask? I m 64 a daily swimmer healthy . Good in erection but last two years whenever I try to do sex with wife my erection become down. Otherwise it’s ok with morning wood or otherwise. Problem creates only when i m with my wife

  2. It is worth thinking about your wife’s attitude to sex. Does she enjoy it?

    How is the wider relationship? A woman can provide turn-ons if she is motivated to please a lover.

    Sexual come-ons such as provocative behaviour, change of venue e.g. shower/outdoors can all add some spice.

    Have you tried asking her what she would like?

    Have you talked about bringing some variety to your sex life? Sex toys, porn movies etc. all help.