Why do adults so often assume that they know everything about sex when most people have never even read a sex manual?

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but why do they have to flaunt their own sexual ego? Whatever our own personal views there is absolutely no need to express them in a way that belittles other people.

Despite their inexperience, women can be supremely confident in offering advice: “I love sex and I am sure I love it just as much as men do. If you are not enjoying sex you need a new partner. You should be enjoying sex! … I have had many lovers which I completely and thoroughly enjoyed wild, hot, passionate sex just for sex sake! “

If women were truly willing to be helpful, they would express their views with more humility. They make highly inflammatory comments when, in truth, they know very little about sex. It is this arrogant and intimidating approach that holds other people back from talking about sex.

Are such women even aware that orgasm exists? They talk about ‘enjoying’ sex but rarely about true female sexual arousal and orgasm. They are happy with their sexual experiences because sex totally fulfils their expectations. They never appreciate that some women approach sex with an expectation for orgasm.

I am discussing sex on a different and more questioning level. For example, when I had sex for the first time I already knew how to masturbate myself to orgasm. Most women never learn how to masturbate, never mind how to orgasm during sex. Other women only learn about orgasm through masturbation much later. So they have nothing to compare sex with.

As recently as the 1950s (sex has been around for æons), society was shocked to the core when Alfred Kinsey proposed that women might even be capable of orgasm. So if orgasm is just as easy for women as it is for men, then it must be the best kept secret ever. Equally (if women orgasm easily) why is there so much advice on how a man can give his woman an orgasm?

Even today, with all the information we have, our liberated views and easy access to sexual partners my point is that it cannot be that every women in the world (or even just in western society) now experiences orgasm during sex. Most people still don’t even appreciate that the clitoris is the female sex organ and the source of a woman’s orgasm however she claims to achieve it.

This is because clitoral stimulation only works once a woman is aroused enough in her mind for genital stimulation to be effective. Even if a woman realises that her sexual arousal works through focusing on complex erotic scenarios during female masturbation alone, it is much less intuitive for her to even consider using similar orgasm techniques during sex with a partner.

Women who are claiming that it is all so easy need to start offering more factual substance to back their claims of orgasm. Any woman who knows anything about her own sexual arousal knows that women have to work up to sex. A woman who admits that arousal takes longer, for example, or that she has to work at achieving her own arousal is more credible.

It is a FACT that since very few women masturbate, by definition, most women approach sex without any knowledge of what orgasm feels like or how to achieve it. So they ASSUME that female orgasm occurs as easily as male orgasm does. The pleasures they enjoy during sex, whether sensual pleasure or sharing physical intimacy, they attribute to arousal and orgasm.

Dating is easy because of the romance that often accompanies sex. Try being married for ten to twenty years and many couples find that a good sex life requires a little investment. Again if it all continues blissfully for you, great, but there’s no need to patronise others. You may think that you have all the answers but if you are to help others you will need to provide specifics.

“Our data suggest that there may be as many as two-thirds of the marriages which, at least on occasion in the course of the years, run into serious disagreement over sexual relationships. In a considerable number, there is constant disagreement over sexual relationships. In perhaps three-quarters of the divorces recorded in our case histories, sexual factors were among those which had led to the divorce.” (p12 Sexual behavior in the human female 1953)

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)


  1. Hi Jane,
    OK, so broadly speaking, I know that women generally don’t orgasm as much as men and certainly not every time. I usually do but it can sometimes take a very long time. More explicitly, for me to orgasm I need a sensitive and responsive partner who has plenty of determination. I also need plenty of focus.

    I need to find that wisp of delight and follow it but it’s tenuous, easily lost. That, combined with a partner who gets the right spot and perhaps some fantasy, will usually do the trick. Most of my orgasms are clitoral rather than vaginal though when I’ve had vaginal ones, they’ve been especially powerful.

    I think it’s illogical to assume that women don’t have vaginal orgasms just because many women pretend a lot. As for the women who pretend, the ones who are in movies, you can hardly blame, they need to eat too. Those pretending with their own husbands/partners however, are being terribly unfair to both partners.

    Maybe, just maybe, the guys don’t actually know how to do better (or are too afraid to ask) because the sexual response they’ve had so far is that poking it in an out will get their women screaming after 10 minutes.

    Many women I imagine and I certainly include myself in this category, grew up with the expectation that point of sex was the male orgasm. Once you got there, you were all done. If you were lucky, you might have gotten off during sex or might have got a little tickle beforehand.

    But she has just as much right to properly enjoy herself as he does, so she shouldn’t feel bad about ensuring that it happens. And boy, is it worth making the effort. Particularly if she plans to spend the rest of her life with him.

    The responsible solution to poor sex is to teach a partner what does the trick. She doesn’t have to be unkind about it. Gentle guiding, making the big noises when he does hit the spot. Asking him if She is doing it the way He likes. Opening up a dialogue where it’s not embarrassing to say ‘a little to the left sweetie’.

    What about you? What’s your experience?

  2. Thanks Marion. My experience is that a true (psychologically fulfilling) orgasm is only possible through masturbation by using fantasy. Personally I question these orgasms women think they have with a lover. I have experienced peaks of sensation from anal intercourse and vaginal fisting but these are purely physical responses. You are not very explicit either about the detail of the physical stimulation, the psychological turn-ons that you use & why orgasm is so difficult to achieve. What has a lover to do with achieving orgasm? Thanks in advance, Jane

  3. Hi Jane,
    My experience with orgasm by masturbation is that it’s pretty much guaranteed. That comes with the provision that I don’t bother to do it unless I’m already in the mood (not always the case with sex with a partner) . Though I will have one that way, with clitoral stimulation and fantasy, it will not be a very powerful one. It will be enjoyable, it might provide me with a good story to write about later (my fantasy often just pops into mind, not replayed experience) it might get me in the mood for sex but it would never be what I might call ‘psychologically fulfilling’.

    That kind of orgasm, for me, comes only with a partner. It may be because it can take a long time, I become super sensitised so when it happens, I go off with a bang. It may be that the addition of another person adds to the fantasy as they might hold me in a certain way, for instance, or new environment, that gives me fuel for a fantasy. We might well have been enjoying sensual play for hours beforehand that heightens the mood.

    Also, a partner has the ability to keep an orgasm going for far longer than I would on my own as well as multiple orgasms. On my own, I have one, I enjoy it and the pleasant glow afterward, then I’m done. I will absolutely confirm orgasm with a partner is possible, achievable, blissfully divine if it goes that way etc… Mind you, they can be very ordinary too. x

    What exactly do you mean by ‘peaks of experience’? and how does it differ from orgasm?
    Marion x

  4. Marion,
    All the research data indicates that women need much longer than men to orgasm. The average a man can last is around 2 minutes – data from over 10,000 men. The stimulation of intercourse only lasts as long as a man has an erection. It is just not possible to orgasm within time limits set by another person. Multiple orgasms exist only in erotic fiction – they are mild arousal at best.
    If you are not interested in the facts, I suggest you go elsewhere. Jane

  5. Hi Jane,
    I agree, women take much longer to orgasm than men, though in my own experience, men do have the ability to last longer than two minutes. Also, I agree that women come infrequently from intercourse. However, a woman can orgasm very successfully from clitoral stimulation.

    Also, where a woman masturbating might give herself a lovely orgasm, she probably will not be tempted to give herself two or three of them in a row. I know from personal experience that it is possible to have multiple orgasms, in succession, from clitoral stimulation provided by somebody else.

    I am very interested in the facts but I do believe the source material used must be relevant. A 60+ year old study, may have a great deal of value but it cannot, on its own, form the basis of a modern view of sexuality.

    I do value our dialogue but you do make some very grand claims based on your experience. I would be very interested to hear a bit more about this data you describe. Marion

  6. Do you also believe Einstein’s research is irrelevant? That is nearly 100 years old. It is only sex research that is ignored. Kinsey’s research was ignored from day one because his findings suggested that women are much less responsive than men. Today I find very few women who are willing to talk about sex or orgasm. Those who do have been convinced by pornography that they should be able to orgasm as porn indicates. But porn is fiction & made for men to assist with male orgasm.

    If you listen to men, they don’t talk about their own orgasm. They talk about sexual pleasure and their partner’s ability to turn them on – psychologically. Women boast about orgasm by claiming orgasm with a variety of physical stimulation techniques that do not explain why the vast majority of women say nothing. The attention women get from men by boasting about orgasm provides a clue. But this is not real orgasm or even sexual pleasure, it is about making money out of men or obtaining an ego boost from feeling ‘sexy’.

    Clitoral stimulation does not lead to orgasm with a lover. The reason is that, if it did then, women would have no reason to engage in intercourse & the human race would die out. Women accept men’s lovemaking because they are NOT aroused with a lover. Women respond to emotional & sensual stimuli. If you were having an orgasm then you would talk about the mental turn-ons that cause your orgasm. Orgasm is not just about physical stimulation. Men initiate sexual activity because intercourse depends on their erection. A woman has little say in the matter. The 2 minutes refers to the average time (all ages) that a man can continuously thrust into a woman’s vagina.