Home The politics of sex Misconceptions Taking the ego out of sex advice

Taking the ego out of sex advice

Why do adults so often assume that they know everything about sex when most people have never even read a sex manual?

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but why do they have to flaunt their own sexual ego? Whatever our own personal views there is absolutely no need to express them in a way that belittles other people.

Despite their inexperience, women can be supremely confident in offering advice: “I love sex and I am sure I love it just as much as men do. If you are not enjoying sex you need a new partner. You should be enjoying sex! … I have had many lovers which I completely and thoroughly enjoyed wild, hot, passionate sex just for sex sake! “

If women were truly willing to be helpful, they would express their views with more humility. They make highly inflammatory comments when, in truth, they know very little about sex. It is this arrogant and intimidating approach that holds other people back from talking about sex.

Are such women even aware that orgasm exists? They talk about ‘enjoying’ sex but rarely about true female sexual arousal and orgasm. They are happy with their sexual experiences because sex totally fulfils their expectations. They never appreciate that some women approach sex with an expectation for orgasm.

I am discussing sex on a different and more questioning level. For example, when I had sex for the first time I already knew how to masturbate myself to orgasm. Most women never learn how to masturbate, never mind how to orgasm during sex. Other women only learn about orgasm through masturbation much later. So they have nothing to compare sex with.

As recently as the 1950s (sex has been around for æons), society was shocked to the core when Alfred Kinsey proposed that women might even be capable of orgasm. So if orgasm is just as easy for women as it is for men, then it must be the best kept secret ever. Equally (if women orgasm easily) why is there so much advice on how a man can give his woman an orgasm?

Even today, with all the information we have, our liberated views and easy access to sexual partners my point is that it cannot be that every women in the world (or even just in western society) now experiences orgasm during sex. Most people still don’t even appreciate that the clitoris is the female sex organ and the source of a woman’s orgasm however she claims to achieve it.

This is because clitoral stimulation only works once a woman is aroused enough in her mind for genital stimulation to be effective. Even if a woman realises that her sexual arousal works through focusing on complex erotic scenarios during female masturbation alone, it is much less intuitive for her to even consider using similar orgasm techniques during sex with a partner.

Women who are claiming that it is all so easy need to start offering more factual substance to back their claims of orgasm. Any woman who knows anything about her own sexual arousal knows that women have to work up to sex. A woman who admits that arousal takes longer, for example, or that she has to work at achieving her own arousal is more credible.

It is a FACT that since very few women masturbate, by definition, most women approach sex without any knowledge of what orgasm feels like or how to achieve it. So they ASSUME that female orgasm occurs as easily as male orgasm does. The pleasures they enjoy during sex, whether sensual pleasure or sharing physical intimacy, they attribute to arousal and orgasm.

Dating is easy because of the romance that often accompanies sex. Try being married for ten to twenty years and many couples find that a good sex life requires a little investment. Again if it all continues blissfully for you, great, but there’s no need to patronise others. You may think that you have all the answers but if you are to help others you will need to provide specifics.

“Our data suggest that there may be as many as two-thirds of the marriages which, at least on occasion in the course of the years, run into serious disagreement over sexual relationships. In a considerable number, there is constant disagreement over sexual relationships. In perhaps three-quarters of the divorces recorded in our case histories, sexual factors were among those which had led to the divorce.” (p12 Sexual behavior in the human female 1953)

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)