Women who live alone or do not have an active sex life with their partner sometimes perceive themselves to be sexually needy because they start to doubt their ability to attract men.

Margaret (early fifties, children, relationship 30 years) was confident that she was highly sexual and interested in sex. However, her sexual relationship with her partner had broken down and she admitted that she did not consider female masturbation remotely interesting.

Given that she made no mention of a lover, I found it difficult to see that she had any outlet for her sexuality. When Margaret described herself as sexy, it was in terms of looking attractive, being young-at-heart and being physically active at her local tennis club with like-minded women.

“Nearly all (but not all) younger males are aroused to the point of erection many times per week, and many of them may respond to the point of erection several times per day. Many females may go for days and weeks and months without ever being stimulated unless they have actual physical contact with a sexual partner.” (p682 Sexual behavior in the human female 1953)

Women often define their sexuality by their emotional sense of well-being and their attractiveness rather than by any ‘sex drive’. A man’s sexual arousal can be very flattering and women enjoy the compliment. As they grow older men worry about impotence; women worry about losing their attractiveness. Female sexuality is often defined in terms of young women’s attractiveness to men.

Men hope for sex for life

Older women often imply that marriage involves both sides ‘putting up’ with a non-ideal compromise. Today couple’s expectations have increased. In the past men may have been grateful for sex of any description but now they hope that their woman will engage on a variety of sexual activities and even that she will be enthusiastically orgasmic.

“Married women are facing more sexual problems than single girls, with problems ranging from a lack of interest in sex to failure to reach orgasm. What a surprise!” admits Linda Kelsey in her article ‘The truth about Married Sex.’ Linda acknowledges that “For married women today it’s difficult to square our expectations of sexual fulfilment with the realities of long-term relationships.”

She suggests that the influence of the modern youth culture means that middle-aged women today “still feel like a woman with sexual needs, or at least a woman who wants to feel she’s still sexually attractive.” (pages 48/49 Daily Mail UK newspaper Thursday, October 6th 2005)

One summer’s evening at a barbeque, a man in his fifties commented that he had almost forgotten what sex was because it was so long since he had had any. Understandably everyone was embarrassed, including his wife, and a few years later I heard that they had divorced. I assume this stand-off explains why so many married women prefer to say nothing about sex.

The proposal of the sexual revolution was that modern sexual relationships should be mutually pleasurable. So we blame the wife for being ‘unloving’ even though we all know that he probably has an orgasm during sex every time and she quite possibly has never had an orgasm in her life. A man needs to compensate a woman somehow for the sexual pleasure he enjoys.

Men enjoy sex fairly spontaneously but it is much more difficult for a couple to find ways of including some pleasure for the woman. In the marriage scenario, all pretence of romance or affection leading to ‘making love’ can be lost. Everyday pressures and routine reduce sex to the minimum required to keep a man’s sex drive at bay, satisfying neither party.

Long-term sexual relationships involve making effort from time to time and a man needs to ensure that he is not the only person enjoying sexual pleasure from the couple’s sexual relationship. Ways Women Orgasm would like to hear success stories from couples who have overcome these pitfalls in longer-term relationships.

Excerpt from Jane’s book Ways Women Orgasm (2011)


  1. I have decided to follow the format on your web site where you have listed some idea’s for context.
    Please do ask me any question. I am 55 years old.

    I lost my virginity when I was 14 , I then had a sexual relationship with the same male until I was 20. During those years I never had an orgasm. I met my first husband when I was 21 and married him the following year. I was then able to Orgasm by him giving me oral sex.
    I did not start to masterbate until we had separated some 12 years later .

    I did this by using my fingers. I remarried at the age of 34 and this lasted for 12 years too. He was unadventurous, he thought oral sex was dirty, and I soon became adept at giving myself an orgasm using the sexual position where I was on top.

    I have now been separated for over 6 years, I have been extremely sexually active during those 6 years. I like the thrill of a new sexual partner.

    I find it very sexually enjoyable i to masterbate using a rabbit vibrator, I have used one for 5 years. I probably do this once or twice a week.

    To masterbate this way, gives me such an intense orgasm, much better than what any man has ever done with his mouth or his fingers.

    I always orgasm with a partner if he manual or orally stimulates me first. I am also able to bring myself to orgasm if I am on top.

    During the past 6 years, whilst in this position, I have learnt to clench my vaginal muscles (similar to kegel exercises ) and then release them over and over. This way I will always orgasm If the male penis is of a good size, by which I mean the girth. These orgasms are not as intense as when I use the rabbit on myself.

    I am also able to orgasm quickly if I have a fairly full bladder.

    I never use pornography when in a relationship with a man, however, when I am not in a relationship, I have viewed lesbian porn and I would use my rabbit to orgasm.
    Socially or sexually I am not attracted to women, though not sure how the viewing of the lesbian porn came about.

    I am very much sexually attracted to tall, well built successful men, someone who I would consider to be an alpha male. This type of man is a big sexual attraction for me.

    I am never sexually attracted nor would I ever consider dating nor have sex with men who are short in stature, who are thin or who do not have a very good job.

    I do not use fantasy to masterbate, though when in a relationship I do enjoy some mild Domination, I like a man to talk dirty, and I find it far easy to orgasm if the sex is rough with a man, hence why I am attracted to an Alpha male

    If I was unable to orgasm in a relationship, I would not continue with the relationship.

    I am currently not in a relationship, however when I am dating someone, I would initiate sex every time we meet.
    As stated earlier, I usually masterbate once or twice a week, I try not to think about it, otherwise I would masterbate every evening before bed.

  2. Thanks Janice for your history.

    You don’t explain what stimulation you use for orgasm and whether this differs between sex and masturbation.

    I am also unclear how you get mentally turned on. How did that work with oral sex and with intercourse when you are on top?

    Why do you feel you should not masturbate every evening if you want to?

    Do you achieve orgasm in a similar way every time (same kind of stimulation and mental turn-ons) or if different why do you think this is?

  3. I’m not sure if I can Jane, I found that a few months after having a radical hysterectomy in 2006 , I started to want sex more and more. I did speak with my oncologist about this, and he said it was probably because I no longer had any female organs that produced oestrogen , my body was now full of testosterone, which in turn appeared to make me constantly want to have sex and experience orgasm

    With regards to stimulation with a man, I guess first of all its his smell, I need that smell and then I quickly become sexually aroused if the smell of his aftershave is strong, then eye contact, his demeanour all mixed together with what he’s saying to me. he would then touch me with his fingers or perform oral sex on me, which would result in orgasm.

    Its very much different with masturbation , because I may just be watching something on TV which would trigger a memory of a previous lover , or I may be sexually aroused by something I have read as I enjoy erotic literature .
    Sometimes I can just be sitting on the sofa, and I will think about using the vibrator when I go to bed and I can feel my vagina start to throb or pulsate and my nipples become erect, there has been no stimulant apart from me thinking what i’m going to do to myself when I go to bed.

    With regards to you asking about being mentally turned on, I think about sex all the time, it never goes away. You ask why I don’t masturbate every evening, I can only say its something I’ve set myself not to do.

    Orgasm is always more intense using the rabbit vibrator, I believe this is because I constantly stimulate my clitoris with the rabbit ears, and when the orgasm starts the vibrator is inside me, which allows my vaginal wall to contract around the vibrator.
    When I experience orgasm manually or orally with a man, its not as intense, because my clitoris is not being constantly stimulated throughout my orgasm, plus his penis is not inside me, so my vaginal contractions have nothing to grip.